Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Penis

Image via The 1948 Time Machine

Growing up, I spent all of my summers at the Jersey shore. While writing the standard “Have a great summer!” in my yearbook at the end of the school year, most of my peers would vocally portray their jealous hatred of my good fortune to be able to spend a full three months at the beach. I shrugged my shoulders, generally, telling them to make sure they contacted me if they were lucky enough to be able to get down there for a week’s vacation.


Inwardly, though, I was the envious one. I was the outcast – forcibly shipped off in the Station Wagon to spend a summer away from my friends, only to hear whimsical whimperings of what was “the best summer ever” on the first day back at school.

I got to go to the beach every day,” I contributed. It was a lie. It took entirely too much effort to prepare for a day at the beach, with the getting changed, and the multiple applications of sunscreen, and the preparation of the cooler with all the drinks and food, and the hosing of the sand off of your body afterwards... it was all simply too much. But my classmates didn’t need to know that I despised my summers at the shore and I was content with them envisioning me splish-splashing my glorious summers away.

* * *

The fondest memories I have of summertime were my trips to the Cape May County Zoo. It was free to the public, yet my family only went once a summer. By the time I was twelve, we stopped going altogether, but I still fondly remember happily scurrying around the zoo like the monkeys behind the bars.

Darting away from my family, I ran to the first thing I saw: the black and white striped phenomenon known as the zebra. A horse with a design. Big deal. For some reason, though, I sprinted ahead of my family, desperate to see the animal up close. Parting the sea of human observers, I stood, mouth agape, looking at the creature boringly munching on hay. Turning back to my family, I excitedly yelled, “Mom! Look at how big his penis is!”

Sunday, September 21, 2008

"My Job"

As I get out of the shower at 4:30 AM, I come to the realization that I am living, as my father put it yesterday, “an unhealthy lifestyle.” You see, for the past three weeks, all I have basically done is sleep and play online poker. I no longer exercise. “The gym costs too much” and “The dumbells that I have aren’t heavy enough” are my excuses. While the first excuse is true, the second is a stretch. It should be edited to say “The dumbells that I have used to be too light when I was in shape.” I prefer to ignore such trivial details, however.

The fact of the matter is that I currently have two main activities and they both take up a great deal of time. And while poker cuts into my time to sleep, I try not to let sleep cut into my time for poker.

“You should start looking for a job,” my dad also tells me, but right now poker is my sole means of income. At least until “my job” starts.

Let me explain.