I sometimes daydream about going back in time. With the exception of riding a dinosaur, the purpose of my journey almost always has something to do with making money.
Of course, my initial idea is typical: going back andwinning the lottery on a particular day. That, however, usually involves me being on the news, everyone knowing that I am rich, and me losing friends. I would need something that kept me out of the public eye.
Perhaps the simplest idea I have had is spending a day back in the early ’90s and registering websites for all the big name corporations with the plot to sell them at a later date for millions of dollars once the internet boomed like a supernova. Microsoft.com, mcdonalds.com, abc.com, etc. I can picture the faces on the guys at one of the first domain name registrars:
“Looks like Coke decided to join the world wide web,” one bored intern would say as a beep from his computer wakes him from his daydream and notifies him that cocacola.com was just purchased. Subsequently, the same user, this LilYoungmanBrown from Pennsylvania, United States, proceeds to single handedly buy 200 more domains in the period of a few hours.
“Say, Rick?” the intern asks, “Just who is this Barack Obama? And is there a Hilton in Paris?”
While for obvious reasons I cannot go back in time, I did finally attempt to put this website-purchasing plan into action a few weeks ago. Andy Samburg released a new digital short on Saturday Night Live with all the hilarity and popularity potential as Lazy Sunday and Dick in a Box. It can be viewed below:
I had already scrambled to my laptop and logged into GoDaddy before the short had even finished airing. Within minutes, I was the proud owner of JizzedInMyPants.com. This would be my legacy. I was sure of it.
The next day, I set up a week long auction on Ebay, sure that come Monday, it would be the hottest video on the internet and that it would sell for $10k at the very least. I even offered free shipping.
Unfortunately, in my haste to buy the site as quickly as possible, I overlooked the fact that the first verse is sung in Shakespearean present tense:
Mainly your fault from the way that you dance
And now I
Jizz in my pants
Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say your a slut
It matters not that most of the rest of the song is in past tense. NBC had already bought JizzInMyPants.com, of course, and because of a simple past/present/future clause failure, I have essentially lost ten bucks. More importantly, however, I have lost the hope that I can make thousands of dollars by doing virtually nothing.
The only silver lining in this whole mess is for you, my faithful Good Youngman Brown readers: JizzedInMyPants.com will take you directly here, if that is easier for you to remember and if you aren’t embarrassed to have that in your browsing history.
Bookmark it if you’d like, because I am fairly certain that any other attempts to turn that web address into an entrepreneurial conquest would result in me getting involved in the porn industry.
I’m just not ready for that.