Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Anti-Porn Perfect Storm

I am starting to get an increase in traffic to my blog, so I began using Google Analytics to figure out how the hell you all find my blog.


Where is all this traffic coming from?

The largest percentage of my traffic comes from subscribers and followers, or people who bookmark me or type youngmanbrown.com into their browsers.  Most other visitors find their way here by clicking the links to new posts that I shamelessly spam on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. 

Then there are the Googlers.  Typically, a random string of keywords will get a visitor to my site.  Quite the reverse, however, Googling the phrase “Youngman Brown” will display my blog as only the #3 result, while the more-specific phrase “Good Youngman Brown” will downgrade me to a # 7 ranking*.

*This is mostly my fault.  I chose to base my alias off of Nathanial Hawthorne’s “Young Goodman Brown,” one of my favorite short stories.  It was not a Google-friendly choice, as it contains all of the same keywords which are undoubtedly Googled on a daily basis by lazy students who don’t feel like reading the (very short) story (Not that I was completely innocent of such treason in my days as a scholar).

Besides my three main sources of blog traffic, there is a miscellaneous category.

JizzedInMyPants.com

A while back, I wrote about how I wanted to get rich by buying the domain jizzedinmypants.com.  It is based on a sketch from Saturday Night Live, if you are unaware, so don’t think that I am a pervert. 

You can read about this experiment, but needless to say, I didn’t get rich from it.  Furthermore, while hurriedly purchasing the domain, I accidentally bought it for five years.  Domains are fairly inexpensive to purchase, so thankfully it wasn’t too big of a burden on my bankroll. 

So for the next few years, if you get bored of typing “youngmanbrown.com,” every few minutes in the desperate hope that I have graced the Internet with a new post, you can spice things up by typing “jizzedinmypants.com” and it will take you to the same place.


Now, according to Google Analytics, I get a half-dozen visitors a week who reach my blog by typing jizzedinmypants dot com into their browser and then hitting “Enter.”

I often wonder what they are searching for.  They are either looking for the hilarious SNL video or they are looking for something very, very different.

Google Analytics tells me all kinds of cool stuff about all of you.  Besides telling me what country you are from and how often you visit my site, it also tells me how many pages you typically view before leaving and how long you stay.  At the moment, I average 4.44 pages/visit with an average time on my site of just under five minutes.

That makes me happy.

It means that for the most part, people who visit my blog like it enough to stay long enough to check out a few other posts and hang around for at least the length of a television commercial break.  This, or they stare at the banner atop my blog, taking a full five minutes to admire the aesthetics of my face.

Yeah, it is probably the latter.

But the people who reach my blog from jizzedinmypants.com stay for an average of one second and do not visit any of my other pages.

One second!

What a slap in the face.

It really feels like a waste of JizzedInMyPants.com.  I feel as if I am letting a target audience down.  Whether it be people who are unaware of Hulu and looking for funny SNL videos or porn-seekers searching for porn that is that good, I feel as if I am tricking two very distinct demographics into visiting my site.

It is like desperately wanting to have a sex change operation, but only having a single dollar to your name.  You go to http://dollarsexchange.com, only to find a website about exchanging currencies.

Or:

It is like having a ’ho that you don’t want no mo’ and wanting to find out what to do with her.  You go to http://gotahoe.com, only to find travel deals for vacationing to Lake Tahoe.

Or:

It is like wanting to know if your office has adequate bathroom facilities if you were to buy Mexican food for you and your 89 employees.  You go to http://90shits.com, only to find a website where you can listen to popular songs from the 1990s.

Or:

It is like enjoying the smell of flatulence, and wanting to purchase pots, jugs, or jars of other people’s smelly gas (especially from Irish people).  You go to http://potsofart.com, only to find a website that sells artistic pots.

*   *   *

I can just imagine a creepy dude hunched over his computer and panting as he scours the internet for porn.

Hmm, what is a URL I haven’t checked out yet? he thinks.  He tries www.dicks.com, only to be taken to Dick’s Sporting Goods.  Then he types in www.bjs.com and is taken to the official website for BJ’s Wholesale Club. 

Now he is panicky. 

In a cold sweat he types jizzedinmypants.com, praying.  Please, he awkwardly prays, let this be porn!  Sweet, sweet, porn!

The page loads and he sees an article titled “The Puppy Bowl” as well as images of puppies, Snooki, and my face.  Or as I like to call it, the Anti-Porn Perfect Storm.

Gross, he thinks as he quickly navigates on to greener pastures.

Creepy as this porn-conquistador might be, you have to admit that it is pretty impressive that he is able to navigate away from my page in one second.

He can determine that I am not what he is looking for and get the hell out faster than you can say “Taylor Lautner shirtless.”

And even though it makes me sad that he is killing my “Average time spent on site” stat, I must say that one thing makes me happy:

I am a boner killer.

And I am definitely okay with that.

-Youngman Brown


23 comments:

  1. Haha thanks. I am glad that at least one person has "giggled with glee" after going there :)

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  2. People google "how to wax your balls" and "is Mike Holmes gay" to get to my blog. I have no idea why!!!

    OK, I do but I'd never admit that I've blogged on either of those subjects. ;)

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  3. Now you have two people who had tried it... I did it right after I read the post! =P

    Loved your post, BTW... I laughed like crazy with the domains you wrote. And one of them, (/potsofarts.com) reminded me of something: one time I was talking to another teacher of English whose pronunciation and accentuation were quite shitty and she said "I have acornerofarts" She said it very quickly and it sounded like a "corner of farts" I giggled like an adolescent and she couldn't understand why. Oh, and let me tell you that 2 minutes later she said she had a gmail account, only that it sounded like "shemale". Yeah, I'm silly like that!

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  4. T.O.B. - I am looking forward to sifting through your posts to find out how to wax your balls!

    This.is.me - I know someone like that. Anytime he says he is going to "text" someone else, it sounds like he's gonna "sex" em.

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  5. I would have responded to this post earlier, but the picture with the floods of sheep somehow made me instantly fall asleep...

    Analytics is an addictive tool, especially when it comes to search results. My #1 term that leads googlers to find me? "Fuck yeah." Go figure.

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    1. Oh, and in regard to 90shits.com, my favorite is 'The Question Mark.'

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  6. Yea, I am getting some rather strange ones coming in as I continually use weirder and weirder words and awkward pictures.

    But I suppose that is for another post on another day.

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  7. I love Google Analytics. I have been found with the terms
    "David Bowie in MC Hammer pants"
    "Mr Rogers Tattoos"
    "Barney and the backyard gang doll"
    "dead puppet"
    "Korean tuxedo style"

    Some of these I understand based on blogs I have written, but other make no sense at all.

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  8. Damn, Brett, I'm gonna have to dig up some of those posts!

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  9. Lol!

    I'm here to jack up your average time. I'm leaving my browser open all day!

    Seriously funny. I remember when Expertsexchange decided to add a well placed hyphen, likely because they got too many analytics from "born a man in a woman's body" or the similar "dying to have boobs"

    I may even click a few other titles in here, but wait... Now that I know the secret I'm coming in from your other URL (see what I did there?)

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

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  10. I see what you did there! Haha and can't wait to see one of my visitors staying at my site for a week.

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  11. I wrote a few posts about my wife's infatuation with Johnny Depp and now I'm flooded with hits from people searching for Johnny. After that, my next biggest source of traffic is people Googling for enema pictures. Is there a connection?

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  12. Classic post, dude! One of my favorites. I click from my google reader now, but still have the aforementioned bookmark!

    WG

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  13. Some of the things that have been getting people to my blog have tended to be: searches for Bob Dylan and llama photos and the keywords "real mom ass". Well baby, it don't get no more real than this, but I'm not sure that's a good thing. But I guess my real mom ass is your jizzed in the pants. Discuss...

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  14. Hahahaa funny post, man...although it does bring back memories of how I have discovered your site in the first place. Let's...let's not talk about it

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  15. YGB nice one! I'm totally going to spam JizzedInMyPants.com now... but not for the reasons you may be thinking...


    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  16. This is hilarious and at least you come by your perverted searchers in an honest way. I've become the Queen of dick pics on the internet. The traffic I get is insanely biased by way of penis/dick/cock/pictures/boner/tits in the search terms. *sigh*

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  17. Loved this one! You may be a boner killer, but you are definitely a giggle-inducer.

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  18. Awesome! You boner killer you, I think it's too funny that you purchased that domain name just because...brilliant!

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  19. I have yet to fully explore the Analytics side, but have looked at some of the search phrases. Klingon Whore was the funniest, and then several to do with murder and axes, from a long series of posts I wrote back in March or so.

    This was funny though. I can't help but wonder how long it took you to research all those random domains!

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  20. Great post Dude! - very slick and funny - you write your posts the way Jack Johnson writes his choons...there is an underlying coolness throughout...I like that :D

    As for the 'bone killer' comment however, you should know that there are certain individuals who would be overjoyed to type in jizzedinmypants.com only to be greeted by a picture of so many sheep surrounding a car in a remote location...erm...not me though...ahem...

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  21. I loved this post! I was laughing and smiling at it the whole way through. But I'm even more impressed that you got google analytics to work. I dabbled in it when I was first starting to blog and was completely inept and unaware how to do things like that. Perhaps I should try again, now that I'm more experienced and completely inept and unaware how to do things like that.

    also, I can't tell you how much effort I put into trying to make a joke about googling, analytics. Guess you know how that went.

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    1. I can't figure out Google Analytics, either! It won't analyze anything. Maybe someday Youngman can do a tutorial for us ineptitudors.

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