Friday, March 2, 2012

In Defense of My Eyebrows





I have bushy eyebrows.

There.  I said it.

They have been bushy my entire life.  And while other people might criticize them, I kinda like em.  While dirt sometimes gets into my eyes, it is a very rare occurrence.

Plus, they allow me to really accentuate myself: I furrow them when I am angry or raise them when I am cynical.  And let’s be honest, cynicism and anger are the only two ways that I really express myself anyway.

The only slight problem that I run into with them is that with such long eyebrow hairs, oftentimes they run amuck on their own little paths, sticking out this way or that.

Growing up, this was actually one of my sister’s biggest pet peeves.

“Please fix your eyebrows,” she would say, not so lovingly.  “They are driving me crazy.”

This, of course, led me to immediately brush my eyebrows against the grain, setting them further askew.

“Look at them,” I would say, getting right in her face.  “LOOK AT THEM!”

Today, my eyebrows will still occasionally be stubborn.

But all it takes is one cool stroke of the index finger to put those puppies back in place.  I close my eyes, make a sexy face, and slowly run my finger through the brows one at a time. 

It drives the babes wild.

When I really want to be super-sexy, I won’t run my finger through the brows, but instead run my brows through my finger.  The finger stays stationary in the air as I use my entire head to realign the stars that are my eyebrow hairs.

*   *   *

When I was a sophomore in college, I bought clippers and buzzed the beautiful hair off my head.  I have been buzzing my hair for seven years, and have not stepped foot into a barber shop.

Until last week.

I was staying at my parents’ house for a few days.  While at their house, I planned an impromptu date with a pretty girl from Philadelphia. 

I hadn’t buzzed my hair in a few weeks, and it was much too long for my liking.  I didn’t have my clippers, so I decided to splurge and go to the barber shop.

"I can't believe how much this haircut costs."

“What can I do for ya?” my hairdresser asked as she put that tissue-paper collar around my neck.

“Buzz.  Number 1.”

Two minutes later, my haircut was complete*.

*With an eleven dollar haircut, plus a five dollar tip, I calculated her hourly rate to be $480 dollars.  This assumes, of course, that she has a steady stream of dudes like me only wanting a simple buzz.

“Want me to do your eyebrows?” she asked.

No thanks,” I said, glaring at her through the mirror.  The question offended me.

Want me to fix your nose?  I imagined myself viciously asking her, confident that such a question was on an equal level of appropriateness as her question.

It’s dumb, really.  Many men get their eyebrows trimmed.  It is a perfectly reasonable question of her to pose.  And I suppose it was very thoughtful of her to ask, as it would require extra effort on her part.  It might have taken her an entire extra minute. 

But her question alerted my self-conscious realization of imperfection.  “Want me to do your eyebrows?” implies that there is something wrong with them.  However, there isn’t anything wrong with them, just as there isn’t anything wrong with the hair atop my head. 

My hair grows.  I cut it. 

My beard grows.  I shave it. 

My other hair grows.  I man-scape.

The difference is that I don’t do anything about my eyebrows.  And I suppose that my shield goes up when someone mentions partaking in a self-grooming habit that I am a virgin to.  It would elicit the same reaction if someone were to ask when I last went tanning.  I am pretty pale.

I will definitely never go tanning.

I will also never edit my eyebrows.

And I am completely fine with both of these facts.

*   *   *

I learned some important lessons at the barber shop that day. 

I need to embrace my bushy eyebrows even more.  That, or say “yes” the next time a hairdresser asks to “do” my eyebrows, whenever that may be.

I need to learn to not get offended when someone mentions one of my physical attributes in language that suggests anything other than perfection.

Instead, I must cherish the body that I was born with and love the features that make me… me.

That hairdresser meant nothing personal.  I realize that now.

It makes me feel bad that I may have used my amazing eyebrows for evil, as I scowled at her through the mirror.

But I think I made up for it by over-tipping her.

Surely that money went directly to her “New Nose Fund.”

At least I hope it did.  For her sake.

-Youngman Brown

65 comments:

  1. I wax my eyebrows regularly. If I don't I look disturbingly like Leonid Breshnev and Frida Kahlo's lovechild and no one can rock that look. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. My eyebrows are at a happy medium. Not too thick, not too thin. Just right. I can manipulate them in such a way to portray every emotion imaginable. But I can't, however, do that thing that the Rock does...you know, scowl with one and raise the other.

    It is awesome that you are able to embrace what others may see as an imperfection. Many would be self-conscience about such a thing. Kinda like me...I love my perfectly rounded beer belly. Although it may not be the most attractive, it sure is fun to jiggle it! And it doubles as a pillow when my wife wants to cuddle!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The People's Eyebrow certainly is a tough look to master.

      Don't feel too bad about not being able to do it.

      Delete
  3. You know what will turn the ladies on? Lick your thumbs and gently glide them across each eyebrow, giving it that slick back look...yeaaaah that's classy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But they will have already passed out from pure ecstasy upon seeing me lick my thumbs.

      Delete
  4. Now I want bushy eyebrows to try to brushing them trick. I am still stuck with my inability to wink.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was once an eyebrow virgin, but I'm half greek. I look at my Papou's eyebrows and he could BRAID them.

    I admit, I manscape, eyebrows included. I use a 1/4" trimmer to keep them short, and a groomer to take care of the 4-5 strays that are trying to make a unibrow.

    There, I said it. I trim my bush.......y eyebrows.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are doing the world a great service, sir.

      Delete
  6. Gregory Peck, Montgomery Clift, Sean Connery...you're in good company!

    ReplyDelete
  7. As long as you aren't rockin' the unibrow. There is simply NO excuse for a unibrow!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Keep the brows man, nothing freaks us chicks out like guys waxing and tweezing their eyebrows.... just not manly :/

    ReplyDelete
  9. I get my eyebrows done every 2 weeks. I HAVE to. If not they take on a very unsexy caterpillar effect. My boyfriend has bushier brows too and "the barber does it". They look fine enough. I have to say though, some guys do NOT look good when they trim bushy brows.

    ReplyDelete
  10. LOL!! So running your hair through your brows get's the ladies all hot and bothered?

    As a female, I'll say that a man needs MAN-BROWS, not eyebrows that are prettier than mine. I hate when guys get their eyebrows done. It's like, why? Want to pluck them together? What's next??? Shaving our legs together!!?

    That being said, I have an eye brow lady. Her name is Sonia. I'm convinced she was sent from the heavens. She gives me perfectly shaped eyebrows for a whopping $15 plus tip. That's more expensive than your hair cut!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll shave my legs with you any day :)

      And lol, when you described Sonia as an "eye brow lady," I envisioned her as a giant eyebrow with legs.

      Delete
  11. Holy shit, Mr. Brown, what an awesome post!

    Bushy browed boys rock! I reckon if your eyebrows start to interfere with your eyelashes, like you can't tell where one begins and the other ends, then sure, a little tidy might be in order, otherwise, you'd be well within your rights to tell all hairdressers to just fuck right off!

    I think it's deeply cool that you man-scape! Hope the date went well! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks!

      And yes. If my brows begin to interfere with my eyelashes, I will be sure to take action.

      Delete
  12. Just as long as it doesn't merge into one long super mono-brow...or if you start looking like that Doctor from the Cannon Ball films

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will be sure to take action before any merging of the brows occurs.

      Delete
  13. I'm like crazy Ollie with my hair... Everything must go! I go no guard on top, #1 or 2 on the goat, same for the pits and scissors on the man-scape. Normally I begin to look less bushy than just downright strange on the brow front. When braiding becomes a possibility, yeah time to go. Yeah, I do the pits and it saves on the odors. I've been cutting my own hair for at least 13 years now and the first time while married was epic. I left for a weekend to help a friend move, cut it during a tropical storm the came home in a borrowed Hawaiian shirt. It was an awkward silence that greeted me.

    Hope the date was good.
    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha TMPI: Too Much Pit Information.

      I'm glad that you know how to get down with the man-scape.

      Delete
  14. Ah yes, eyebrows. I find my self with a look of a constantly surprised owl. A little gel and voila, a visor. If shoulder length ear hair ever comes in style I will be one major playa. I don't like people messing with mine either. Buzz my own hair now days.
    Crack the whip recommended you and It was worth the trip over here. Liked what I have read of your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She is good people.

      Thanks for stopping by :)

      Delete
  15. My husband has bushy eyebrows and a buzzed head...you aren't his secret identity are you? That would be weird, since he can't turn on a computer. Anyways...

    Guys can get away with un-groomed eyebrows. I however have caveman eyebrows that I wax an pluck with a fervent passion. Everything else about me is ultra feminine (at least I like to think so). My 2 year old daughter has thicker eyebrows than her towheaded brother who has eyebrows but you can't tell because they are so thin an light. I feel sorry for my daughter. Someday she will probably want to fix her eyebrows and waxing hurts. Maybe in 13 years thick eyebrows will be considered hot on a woman.

    ReplyDelete
  16. cool post dude...trimmed mine for the first time last week, didn't cos no one noticed, you know what i mean.... the finger stroke thing, that is way super cool am in love with doing it why wouldn'T the ladies pass out in ecstacy over so sexy a gesture

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can try it with the pinkies. It is riskier, but definitely worth it.

      Delete
  17. I have been known to trim the hubbies eyebrows. Only the really long stray hairs that never sit right.
    I however get mine waxed and shaped every 4 weeks, the same time I get my legs waxed and chacha tidied.
    You guys really get it pretty easy (yes I am ignoring the whole "but we have to shave daily" defence)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ps. I find a buzzed head VERY sexy (not that this is the least bit relevant)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you compliment something that I have, then it is very relevant.

      Delete
  19. This was too funny.

    Although I may look like Cha Cha from the original 'Planet of the apes,' I have no desire for the pain that is, waxing, plucking or threading.

    I probably should do something about the mustache though.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Cherish all your tufts, man. They're the strongest connection you have with your primate cousins.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I always cut my own hair. They charge far too much for a simple buzz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, when I actually thought about how much I save on haircuts a year, it really does add up!

      Delete
  22. You should style your eyebrows into cruel arches - go for the Ming the Merciless look.

    The next hairdresser you see will be too busy fearing for her home planet to say such silly things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This seems like a good idea, but it would only serve its purpose once every three weeks or so.

      For the rest of the time, I would just look like... Ming the Merciless. And pretty ridiculous.

      Delete
  23. I have stopped going to the barber or stylist all together. I have discovered my hair looks much better if I cut it myself. It is not that hard to cut hair. I can't figure out what these professional stylists have been doing all these years to make my hair look so ridiculous all the time. Perhaps were they doing it on purpose as a joke?? I don't know. The one stylist told me my hair was difficult to cut..as if that was some kind of a pre-emptive strike to warn me she was about to mess up my hair really bad. She also said she was thrown off because my "side burns were naturally uneven.' Later on, I thought about this, and it struck me as being ridiculous. My sideburns are "naturally uneven"?? We aren't born with sideburns...how can sideburns be naturally uneven. Well, if anyone has ever seen a baby come out of the womb with uneven sideburns please take a pic and prove me wrong, but I think that was a line of malarkey.

    Anyway, good luck with your eyebrows.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha naturally uneven sideburns is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I mean, unless they don't come in AT ALL on one side. Complete malarkey, as you said.

      Delete
  24. Ok...I have think/bushy eye brows too,and I did biggest stupidity of going skinny ,my bad.I used to hate mine way much .I wished I have not done that .
    ahh I can write a whole post about that, uff !!!keya yadd dela deya !!!!!!

    You know what ..all memories of my stupidity in the name of fashion and beauty is coming back after reading this post . They are so many.God forgive me.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have bushy eyebrows too. And I'm a girl. Oh well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It doesn't seem to translate on the clay rendition of you :)

      Delete
  26. I love big eyebrows on guys. I REALLY love them on old guys, when the brows are allowed to grow all wild until they look like gray caterpillars. Fabulous. I like them so much that one of the characters in a short story I wrote envisioned her hubby as he aged with just such brows.

    I appreciate full eyebrows on women, too. Maybe because I've never been able to grow any. :O(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! Well, not quite alien-none, but they're pretty pathetic. :O)

      Delete
  27. Well, my eyebrows' hair is very thin and clear, so you don't get to notice them much. But, I had this friend who had very bushy eyebrows that joined between his eyes. So, he looked like he had only one eyebrow going from one side of the head to the other. In that case, I think you should do something about them, but as long as they don't become one, you should leave them that way. Sometimes bushy eyebrows are very sexy!

    Oh! You've won an award! Check on my blog! =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! You said some very kind words :)

      Delete
  28. My man doesn't have as intimidatingly awesome brows as you, but he does have nose hair with the tensile strength of 6 lb/test. I think both are to be celebrated. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol I must say that I do rid myself of the nose hair. That is a look that I just can't pull off.

      Delete
  29. I have no idea how I stumbled across your blog, but I gotta say i'm glad I did. And your mention of your sister was great. Reminded me of my brother and me, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I like your short hair and not so bushy eyebrows.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I totally agree! Cherish the body you're in!
    Most of the girls I know put their 'faces' on every time they wake up. In other words, they slap on a pile of make up to make them look like something they're not.

    I always wondered why they bothered when, sometime in the future, a guy may fall for them and their too-much make up look, and the morning after that special night, the girl will have no make-up on and look scarily like how they should look! So if the guy you're searching for is going to see your true face anyway, why bother putting on a fake one in the first place? Waste of money if you ask me...
    Anyway, rant over!

    I just wanted to say, for me, your blog is one of those things where you like... fine. one more page. and then you find you've accidentally read a whole chapter! What I mean is, I can't stop reading your posts! They're hilarious and so well written I just automatically become addicted!

    Some people are addicted to shooting games, some to drugs, some to gambling. But me? I'm addicted to reading a ranting blog!
    Love them.
    M. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. P.S. would love to give you an 'addictive blog' award but I haven't quite mastered the whole award thing yet. Don't really get how they work...
      lol

      Delete
  32. I saw your blog on yeah write. And this post made me chuckle. Makes me think of my husband's eyebrows. You are two of a kind in that area... The difference however? He let's me tame his. For a price of course. Now, after reading your post, I feel kind of guilty. Then again, I will never stop taming those bad boys!

    I just added your blog to the ones I follow. So don't stop writing or else it would have all been for nothing on my part.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, I promise I won't stop! Thanks!

      Delete

When you comment, I vibrate.