Monday, March 26, 2012

Score One for the Strippers

At work, we are usually able to park in the customer parking garage, so long as we park on level 7 or above.  However, if it is deemed to be a “high volume” day, the employees have to park in a different parking lot, two blocks away.

Last weekend was one of those times.

I parked my car and began laboring towards my place of labor, when I noticed a car suspiciously inching around the parking lot.  The car idled past a few female employees as they hurried their pace.  Then it sped up and approached me.


I am always surprised to meet someone who isn’t aware that Atlantic City is not a safe city.  I suppose that someone who has never been there simply assumes that it is a bustling beach town, full of casinos and commerce.  But these people are only privy to the flashiness and charm of the high-rises, and not the dilapidation and despair of everything else.

I am always cautious while I am in Atlantic City, but even more so while on foot, as I lack the protective shell of my car.  I imagine myself as a piece on a Monopoly board, with the chances of robbery or murder more likely on the inferior squares*.   

*In reality, the chances of robbery or murder in Atlantic City are equally high no matter what street you are on.

The A.C. Boardwalk is really unsafe and scary at night, too.

The parking lot lies between Pacific Ave and Atlantic Ave, green and yellow respectively.  But Baltic was only one block away, and I knew that was a long way from “Go.”

So as I saw the passenger window of the suspicious car going down as it neared me, I began to do a brief inventory of all my valuables. 

“Hey man?” A young, white, preppy male leaned over the passenger seat and glared into the sun.  He placed expensive-looking Ray-Bans on his head, and I relaxed immensely.

“What’s up?” I asked, moving slightly closer to the car.

“Can you tell me which strip club is right next to Bare Exposure?”

He asked the question casually and confident for an answer, as one might ask the time of day from someone wearing a large wristwatch.

“Sorry, man.  I have no idea.”  I really didn’t.

“Damn,” he said.  “My buddies and I went to Bare Exposure last night, then went to this other one.  I lost my wallet, and I don’t know if it fell out or if the stripper took it.”  He stared at the steering wheel as he recounted the previous night’s events.  “And I know I had it at this other strip club because I paid for a lap dance.  I just don’t know where it is.”

He looked up at me, distraught and helpless.

“I mean, I guess park at Bare Exposure and try to retrace your steps?” I offered.

“Yea, that’s a good idea,” he said, seemingly grateful for my well drawn-out plan.  “This blows…”  He said this in a tone that suggested he wanted something else from me.  I don’t think he was looking for money, so I can only assume he wanted some more of my time or condolences, neither of which I was willing to give.

“I’ve gotta go in to work.  But good luck, man,” I said in a deep, bro-like tenor, “I hope everything works out.”  As I said this, I tapped the top of his car as a surrogate pat-on-the-back as well as a way to signal the end of the conversation. 

“Thanks,” he said, then drove off on his way.

I walked the rest of the distance to work, kind of proud that I legitimately lacked the knowledge of Atlantic City strip clubs to make me able to answer his question.

I also may or may not have had the thought, score one for the strippers.

-Youngman Brown

38 comments:

  1. Oh, the tragedy of bros...

    "I don't know if it fell out or the stripper took it" will probably mean B.

    Bros. Don't let the stripper know where your wallet is. Keep her in the front, not the back...

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  2. You always have interesting little stories no matter where you go.

    I think it's good that you live there and lack the knowledge of those places...that's probably why you still have your wallet and he doesn't.

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    1. Everybody has interesting stories no matter where they go. They just don't write about them like we do :)

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    2. Amen. I keep telling people that. My life is NOT more interesting than other peoples. I have just learned how to tell the story well.

      It's noticing these little things to bring to life that make it sound adventurous.

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  3. I had to like how he was randomly recounting his lap dance experience, almost as if he had been talking about what he had for lunch.

    -Barb the French Bean

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  4. The dude was asking for it... if you go to a stripper bar, don't expect to leave there with any money!

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    1. True. Although you usually don't have to give a stripper your license or Walmart Frequent Shopper card.

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    2. It would serve him right for shopping at Walmart.

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  5. Ha ha! I love the fact that most people just get asked the time on the way to work but you get “Can you tell me which strip club is right next to Bare Exposure?” Love it.

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  6. Dude, if only that guy had three hilarious friends, roofies, and a trunkful of kidnapped Asian gangster, he would've been living The Hangover: Part 3. Glad you didn't get shanked or held up. Score one for the strippers indeed.

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    1. You're right!

      And thanks. Getting shanked is the worst.

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  7. I don't get why this guy didn't just drive around Bare Exposure to find out the other club's name. I'm assuming he was still drunk if he couldn't figure that out for himself. I'm just glad he wasn't a bad guy trying to kidnap you. Because that would suck and I'd miss your posts.

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    1. I don't understand why he didn't either... but there are a lot of weird people around there.

      And thanks, I'm glad he didn't kidnap me either so that I can keep writing :)

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    2. Maybe he does know about Atlantic city, and therefore why he didn't want to drive around slow looking for it, or get out of his car?

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  8. Poor guy lost his wallet to a stripper! You were right to count your valuables though, AC is a rough city. lol

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    1. It really is. There is a surprise behind every corner!

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  9. You should've fucked with him and said "Oh yeah, next to Bare Exposure? That's Hootertown! Or wait maybe it's Tommy Knocker's. Ummm...Titty City?"

    I shutter to think what more he *really* wanted from you if not your time or sympathies...

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    1. I maintain my stance that he wanted my time or sympathies... and not something that the stripper couldn't give to him.

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  10. I think maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone to regale with his exciting tale of larceny and glamorous girls.

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  11. i have learned, they aren't strippers, they are an army of lesbians trying to take over the world, one sporto at a time :) thanks for visiting my blog, how ever did you find it? lol

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    1. I saw you commented on The Bloggess :) Your photography is wonderful.

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    2. oh haha the Bloggess, i luff her!! and thank you so much!! i know i'm a photographic fraud, but it's good it doesn't show :)

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  12. I remember a buddy of mine used to go to AC about once a month on a red eye with his work buddies. I don't remember him ever coming home with money. I do remember him getting beat up though. I think I'll stick to the less dangerous hobbies, like shark diving and whatnot.

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    1. Yea, well in regards to money, he might have fallen victim to me if he played poker, but I swear that I never beat anyone up.

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  13. I would love to see the conversation he'd have if he found the strip club...

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  14. No doubt a precautionary tale on the downside of hiring strippers for a lap dance. That young man would do well to cut his losses and move on, before he gets himself into deeper trouble.

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    Replies
    1. It does sound like the beginning to an unsolved mystery, doesn't it?

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  15. You should have handed him a business card blank but for the phrase, "your destiny awaits" :)

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    1. Now where would I get one of those business cards, I wonder?

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  16. I used to work downtown and some of the stories I could tell. I am just now remembering them thanks to you. Got stopped by a panhandler once asking for money. When I told him I didn't have any he pulled out a wad of bills and handed me a dollar for a coke. I guess he thought that was all I was worth, lol.

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  17. Or maybe I'm just in the wrong profession, lol

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  18. I haven't been in a strip club in a decade, but I always kept a lock on my wallet. The fingers in those places are just as sticky as the floors.

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