My college sends out an alumni magazine once or twice a year.
Reading the magazine doesn’t take long. As I did with The Berenstain Bears before I learned how to read, I quickly flip through the pages, taking note of the pictures. Then I say “All done!” and deposit it into the trash*.
*I would NEVER throw a Berenstain Bears book into the trash. Only alumni magazines.
The magazine highlights what is going on in the University. It touches on the new buildings, new programs, publications/awards of the professors, and other pat-themselves-on-the-back boasts.
Stuff I’m not interested in, basically.
But the one section of the magazine that I always take a few moments to peruse is the alumni update pages in the back. This is the section where it shows the special life events of the graduates.
- So and so had a baby.
- So and so got hired as the head basketball coach for such and such a school.
- So and so appeared on an episode of a TV show that everyone watches.
After reading a few entries, I feel as if the alumni magazine is mocking me with everyone else’s success.
- So and so started his own business, is making tons of money, and is essentially kicking life in the ass.
- So and so got a PhD and is really, really smart. Much smarter than you, at least.
- So and so got married to so and so. They have found the happiness that you so desperately seek. And no, you were not invited to the wedding.
Of course, the only life events that are mentioned are the ones from the people who took the time to send a letter to the alumni. And I’m not really the kind of person to do that.
|"Dearest University, I am penning this correspondence |
to notify you of my awesomeness."
But then I thought, why not? What the hell is stopping me from sending in my life updates and letting my fellow alumni know what I’ve--
I realized the answer before I could even formulate the question.
I haven’t done shit.
Career-wise, I was off the map for a few years while I played poker. And I don’t think that my Catholic Liberal Arts college would be too keen in publishing any of my accolades from my stint as a professional gambler.
I haven’t fathered any children, which is a good thing considering I am still single and unmarried.
I haven’t appeared in any television shows, except for the time that Jimmy Fallon read one of my tweets on his show.
And I haven’t continued my education and received a Masters or PhD.
Oh well, screw it. I don’t need any of these typical life achievements to be recognized for greatness.
I’m not sure what kind of scrutiny these updates undergo, but I sent in a few options. I figured the more I sent in, the greater the chance of one of them squeaking into publication:
- While walking down the street, Youngman Brown ’08 found a ten-dollar bill. He immediately posted the news on Facebook and tried to tag it as a “Life Event,” but didn’t know how.
- After a two year struggle, Youngman Brown ’08 finally finished reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."
- “Good Youngman Brown,” a blog by Youngman Brown ’08, received the “Enchanted Blog Award,” an award that blogging friends indiscriminately give to one another.© Anyone with a blog
- After sending out multiple queries to women on eHarmony, Youngman Brown ’08 finally received a response from one of them. It did not lead to a date, but according to him "still felt like a success."
- While staying at his parents' house for Easter, Youngman Brown '08 found his Easter Basket in under ten seconds, shattering the record previously held by his sister in 1997. When asked what motivated him to find the basket of goodies so quickly, 26-year old Brown said, "to get it over with." Afterward, his father made pancakes, with the first one in a letter "Y" for "Youngman."
I don't know about you, but I think that my fellow alumni will be totally jealous of my enchanted life.