Sex Chat with a Robot

Robots don't do it for me.  Robot maids, though.....

I have a whole bunch of e-mail accounts.

Most of them have a 2-3 year lifespan.  They are all created with an aim at a spam-free, fresh start, in which I only give my e-mail address to my close family and friends.  But the accounts eventually become inundated with junk mail and I must move on to a new electronic identity, much like the Witness Protection Program.

But the thing is, I can never completely dispose of my past e-mail accounts.  Not because I am sentimental or an electronic hoarder, but because I know that I will undoubtedly encounter a scenario in which I must recover a password to another website.  And the only way to recover that password is to have it sent to my ancient e-mail address that I used to register way back when.

That's what I had to do a couple weeks ago, in order to obtain my password to a Paypal account that I hadn't accessed since high school.

As is often the case in this electronic equivalent to digging through storage boxes, I was immediately harassed with a little pop-up box on the bottom right-hand corner of my Yahoo! inbox.

These are always spam chat messages, and the older the e-mail account, the more pop ups I receive when I log in.

I had x'd out all but two, when I decided that I was bored and I'd actually write back.

Here's how it went:

Jennbabe3961 is not in your Contacts

Jennbabe3961: yoyo what is up

Me: hi

Jennbabe3961: Hey there how are ya!?!

Me: great

Jennbabe3961: awesome what are you up to today?

Me: writing

Jennbabe3961: I hope you had a good New Year Eve?

Me: indeed

Jennbabe3961: Mine was fun, i got a new laptop and i'm on it right now trying to set up my webcam

Me: I can kinda see where this is going.

Jennbabe3961: Would you like 2 watch>

Me: so soon?  we just met!

Jennbabe3961: Im usually pretty shy, but a big fetish of mine is to be watched/directed on web cam

Me: thats like... really slutty.

Jennbabe3961: What's your fav color of all?

Me: holy shit.  random?  ive never watched a robot on webcam

Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked

Me: typical robot thing to say

Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked

Me: you just said that. malfunction?

Jennbabe3961: Reason I ask is because I just recieved a ton of new undies for xmas so I wanted to model a special pair 4 ya!?

Me: wait, you JUST received new undies for xmas? it is the middle of march

Jennbabe3961: Yeah im probably gonna wear this cute littie black thong if thats okay with you? Its really really small tho.

Me: that's fine. i mean, who am i to tell you what to wear? we just met.

Jennbabe3961: Wow, I just put them on and they are really tiny - Not sure if i will be able to take them back considering the state i am in right now (naughty i know!!)

Me: what state are you in? texas? hawaii? if it is a national chain like Victoria's Secret, i don't think it matters what state you are in when you return them.

Jennbabe3961: Ok let me signin to my cam (i think should be working now) and i'll get us set up for a private session

Me: are you sure that you should be doing a private chat in your underwear while residing in a "naughty" state?

Jennbabe3961: hehe u sure u can handle me when i'm naughty?

Me: i would assume that it is not particularly difficult to "handle" someone who is naughty from the safe confines of the internet. although i have never had to deal with a naughty robot.

Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked

Me: you keep saying that. is that a robot-catchphrase? like the way i say "that's what she said"?

Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked

Me: well played! i'd suggest only one small modification. instead of "not the last time i checked," make it "not since i last computed." you know, considering the fact that you are a robot.

Jennbabe3961: a what?

Me: a robot. oh my god. did i just make you aware of your existence? err.... non-existence.

Jennbabe3961: bot? like a robot? lol

Me: yes. a robot. oh my gosh, sweetheart, i can't believe i am the one to break this to you, considering the fact that we just met and all.

Jennbabe3961: i dont think so

Me: yes, my love. you see, nobody in the world can type as fast as you. additionally, nobody is as slutty as you.  you are.... a robot.

Jennbabe3961: Soo??? THank's for the compliment

Me: i see that your programmer taught you a thing or two about denial. but apparently he taught you nothing about proper use of apostrophes or how long to hold the "shift" key.

Jennbabe3961: ok go to: [LINK DELETED] and click join (green button) and tell me your username and ill send u an invite - or ya might already have one... ya seem like you may have done this sort of thing before

Me: that is a very presumptuous thing to say. for someone who got a webcam three months ago and is just getting around to setting it up, it sure sounds like YOU may have done this sort of thing before

Jennbabe3961: it's no cost but keeps the children out and also makes sure i'm not recorded (won't be good for job interviews coming up)

Me: what?

Jennbabe3961: did that link work i just set it up recently?

Me: i obviously didn't click it.

Jennbabe3961: I just need your username so I can send you a secret chat invitation - just let me know your username when u are setup. (remember there is free - i'm not a slut so i do not charge for this)

Me: do people really fall for this?

Jennbabe3961: Did u recieve ur username yet? Hurry up, these panties arent as black as they originally where

Me: i don't think i even want to know what that is supposed to mean. 
Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked

Me: you are obligated by law to tell me how many men have fallen for this.

Jennbabe3961: Ok for some reason im still not seeing you in there did u sign up through [LINK DELETED]??

Me: i am an FBI agent, and you are under arrest.

Jennbabe3961: Let me reach the tech support to make sure we get linked together... brb

Me: ok

Jennbabe3961: On the phone with techs now...

Me: tell them i said hi

Jennbabe3961: Ok they said ur username should be linked to mine but it might take up to 25 mins.. Keep ur eyes open for an invite from me. BRB

Me: will the tech guys be on webcam?

i'm not really into that.

jenna?

JENNA!!!!

DON'T MAKE ME TALK TO KARLA!

And that was the last I ever heard of Jennababe3961, the robot slut who denies the fact that she was both a robot and a slut.  The cyborg temptress who tantalizes inboxes with promises of naughty webcam sessions and even naughtier grammatical errors.  The machine who seduced me with her too-tiny, color-fading panties and stole my heart with her year-round love for Christmas and New Years.  The constantly-typing bot who made me realize that there is only one thing I need more than a spam-free e-mail account:

A girlfriend.

-Youngman Brown

Robots can't get drunk.  Even in the naughty state of Hawaii.