Friday, April 6, 2012

Sex Chat with a Robot

Robots don't do it for me.  Robot maids, though.....

I have a whole bunch of e-mail accounts.

Most of them have a 2-3 year lifespan.  They are all created with an aim at a spam-free, fresh start, in which I only give my e-mail address to my close family and friends.  But the accounts eventually become inundated with junk mail and I must move on to a new electronic identity, much like the Witness Protection Program.

But the thing is, I can never completely dispose of my past e-mail accounts.  Not because I am sentimental or an electronic hoarder, but because I know that I will undoubtedly encounter a scenario in which I must recover a password to another website.  And the only way to recover that password is to have it sent to my ancient e-mail address that I used to register way back when.


That's what I had to do a couple weeks ago, in order to obtain my password to a Paypal account that I hadn't accessed since high school.

As is often the case in this electronic equivalent to digging through storage boxes, I was immediately harassed with a little pop-up box on the bottom right-hand corner of my Yahoo! inbox.

These are always spam chat messages, and the older the e-mail account, the more pop ups I receive when I log in.

I had x'd out all but two, when I decided that I was bored and I'd actually write back.

Here's how it went:




Jennbabe3961 is not in your Contacts
Jennbabe3961: yoyo what is up
Me: hi
Jennbabe3961: Hey there how are ya!?!
Me: great
Jennbabe3961: awesome what are you up to today?
Me: writing
Jennbabe3961: I hope you had a good New Year Eve?
Me: indeed
Jennbabe3961: Mine was fun, i got a new laptop and i'm on it right now trying to set up my webcam
Me: I can kinda see where this is going.
Jennbabe3961: Would you like 2 watch>
Me: so soon?  we just met!
Jennbabe3961: Im usually pretty shy, but a big fetish of mine is to be watched/directed on web cam
Me: thats like... really slutty.
Jennbabe3961: What's your fav color of all?
Me: holy shit.  random?  ive never watched a robot on webcam
Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked
Me: typical robot thing to say
Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked
Me: you just said that. malfunction?
Jennbabe3961: Reason I ask is because I just recieved a ton of new undies for xmas so I wanted to model a special pair 4 ya!?
Me: wait, you JUST received new undies for xmas? it is the middle of march
Jennbabe3961: Yeah im probably gonna wear this cute littie black thong if thats okay with you? Its really really small tho.
Me: that's fine. i mean, who am i to tell you what to wear? we just met.
Jennbabe3961: Wow, I just put them on and they are really tiny - Not sure if i will be able to take them back considering the state i am in right now (naughty i know!!)
Me: what state are you in? texas? hawaii? if it is a national chain like Victoria's Secret, i don't think it matters what state you are in when you return them.
Jennbabe3961: Ok let me signin to my cam (i think should be working now) and i'll get us set up for a private session
Me: are you sure that you should be doing a private chat in your underwear while residing in a "naughty" state?
Jennbabe3961: hehe u sure u can handle me when i'm naughty?
Me: i would assume that it is not particularly difficult to "handle" someone who is naughty from the safe confines of the internet. although i have never had to deal with a naughty robot.
Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked
Me: you keep saying that. is that a robot-catchphrase? like the way i say "that's what she said"?
Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked
Me: well played! i'd suggest only one small modification. instead of "not the last time i checked," make it "not since i last computed." you know, considering the fact that you are a robot.
Jennbabe3961: a what?
Me: a robot. oh my god. did i just make you aware of your existence? err.... non-existence.
Jennbabe3961: bot? like a robot? lol
Me: yes. a robot. oh my gosh, sweetheart, i can't believe i am the one to break this to you, considering the fact that we just met and all.
Jennbabe3961: i dont think so
Me: yes, my love. you see, nobody in the world can type as fast as you. additionally, nobody is as slutty as you.  you are.... a robot.
Jennbabe3961: Soo??? THank's for the compliment
Me: i see that your programmer taught you a thing or two about denial. but apparently he taught you nothing about proper use of apostrophes or how long to hold the "shift" key.
Jennbabe3961: ok go to: [LINK DELETED] and click join (green button) and tell me your username and ill send u an invite - or ya might already have one... ya seem like you may have done this sort of thing before
Me: that is a very presumptuous thing to say. for someone who got a webcam three months ago and is just getting around to setting it up, it sure sounds like YOU may have done this sort of thing before
Jennbabe3961: it's no cost but keeps the children out and also makes sure i'm not recorded (won't be good for job interviews coming up)
Me: what?
Jennbabe3961: did that link work i just set it up recently?
Me: i obviously didn't click it.
Jennbabe3961: I just need your username so I can send you a secret chat invitation - just let me know your username when u are setup. (remember there is free - i'm not a slut so i do not charge for this)
Me: do people really fall for this?
Jennbabe3961: Did u recieve ur username yet? Hurry up, these panties arent as black as they originally where
Me: i don't think i even want to know what that is supposed to mean. 
Jennbabe3961: not the last time i checked
Me: you are obligated by law to tell me how many men have fallen for this.
Jennbabe3961: Ok for some reason im still not seeing you in there did u sign up through [LINK DELETED]??
Me: i am an FBI agent, and you are under arrest.
Jennbabe3961: Let me reach the tech support to make sure we get linked together... brb
Me: ok
Jennbabe3961: On the phone with techs now...
Me: tell them i said hi
Jennbabe3961: Ok they said ur username should be linked to mine but it might take up to 25 mins.. Keep ur eyes open for an invite from me. BRB
Me: will the tech guys be on webcam?
i'm not really into that.
jenna?
JENNA!!!!
DON'T MAKE ME TALK TO KARLA!


And that was the last I ever heard of Jennababe3961, the robot slut who denies the fact that she was both a robot and a slut.  The cyborg temptress who tantalizes inboxes with promises of naughty webcam sessions and even naughtier grammatical errors.  The machine who seduced me with her too-tiny, color-fading panties and stole my heart with her year-round love for Christmas and New Years.  The constantly-typing bot who made me realize that there is only one thing I need more than a spam-free e-mail account:

A girlfriend.

-Youngman Brown

Robots can't get drunk.  Even in the naughty state of Hawaii.



92 comments:

  1. LOL (really). I LOVE THIS :))))

    "These panties aren't as black as they originally were" So naughty rawr.

    And why don't I get any of those spam messages? I wanna have sex with robots that have hilarious catchphrases and fading underwear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll give you the password to my e-mail account and you can have a blast.

      Delete
  2. This was hilarious! I loved the part where you asked her what state she was in haha. Well played, good sir.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well played for that hilarious conversation! That is entirely too funny.

    You make me a little sad that I've never accepted any of the requests to chat from the male sex bots. I'm currently fighting the urge to accept that request from Matty937...No...I'm not going to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please be sure to document your encounter.

      Delete
  4. That was fantastic - I'm so glad I found your blog! :-D

    ReplyDelete
  5. You broke the robot, therefore destroying the internets!

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    ReplyDelete
  6. That is absolutely brilliant. And I am very jealous of the robot 'nearly-dirty' chat you had.

    SD

    ReplyDelete
  7. Seriously hilarious! Absolutely love it!

    ReplyDelete
  8. jenna?
    JENNA!!!!
    DON'T MAKE ME TALK TO KARLA!


    " u r Crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy "

    LMAO :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so glad you decided to chat, so I could see what these random messages are about! I categorically block the sender when I see them.

    The robot slut who denies she's a robot or a slut. Nice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome.

      And yea, I hope I helped her to understand her existence.

      Delete
  10. Oh my lord! I laughed so loud at this, that I set off all the car alarms in the neighbourhood...ok not really but this was still hilariously funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha that is my new goal: to make someone laugh so hard that they set off a chain reaction of car alarms.

      Thanks :)

      Delete
  11. LMAO oh that was good. Damn, robots could at least be more cyclon or replicator and mix things up a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hahahaha.

    Why did I not check out this blog before ?
    Ah well I'm here now - consider yourself stalked.

    Which is a bit like having a scary girlfriend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as you are not a robot, then I think I'm okay with it :)

      Delete
  13. Replies
    1. The hottest six words a robot can say.

      Delete
  14. I should NOT have read this... I'm laughing.

    WG

    ReplyDelete
  15. Panties are not as black as they used to be

    What does that even mean?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you, thank you, thank you for telling this story. Although I admit to being a little disappointed in the comments, in that you have received no spam bots telling you "This post was quite entertaining. I will have laughed many times. Maybe sometime we can chat when you come to my site xxxxxxxx.com ;-)))"

    I'll keep checking back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I constantly get those comments, but they go right to my spam, fortunately.

      Delete
  17. Still giggling...

    Oh how I love naughty robot temptresses. Why is your online life SOOOOOO much better than mine? *pouty face*

    ReplyDelete
  18. I also have changed email accounts more times than I have changed my...umm...shoes. I'll probably steal the "Witness Protection Program" comment from you. Yeah, I think I will.

    Super hilarious! I am so addicted to reading YB, now!

    ReplyDelete
  19. At least she was reasonable. Nowadays them bots are getting mighty pushy, going as far as calling me "limp-dick" and "faggot" for not responding to their IMs.

    So rude...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is comments like that that make you wonder, "Where are the parents?"

      Delete
  20. have u ever tried to talk w. clever bot? i was impressed w. that too

    ReplyDelete
  21. have u ever tried to talk w. clever bot? i was impressed w. that too

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, I actually have! Nothing beats SmarterChild from the old AIM days though...

      Delete
  22. Okay, you just made my day, which is pretty impressive, considering I just spent the last hour with entertaining my young son. If I were to try this, would my conversation be even half as funny?

    not the last time I checked

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad that a few minutes with me trumps an hour with your son :)

      Thanks!

      Delete
  23. Nice blog, I lol'd, followed :)

    http://fizzvideo.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  24. Holy hell. The "these panties arent as black as they originally where" part. I was both laughing and trying not to vomit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yea, some weird mental images entered my mind, too.

      Delete
  25. Hahha you almost made her realize she was a robott!! Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  26. it's good she took it as a compliment

    ReplyDelete
  27. LMAO!!!!!!!!! I get those ALL the time!!!!!!!! The first time I was like who are you? And the robot said, word is you like big, black, booties!!! I was like who is spreading these lies. Only to figure out I was arguing with a computer. Sigh...

    Have an amazing holiday!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jax, it's funny because I also heard that you like big, black, booties too.

      Happy Easter to you as well :)

      Delete
  28. I guess my email has figured out that since I never responded to all those "sexy singles" emails, that I must still be single (I'm not) and therefore couldn't have a robot girlfriend if I'm not even dating.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm probably going to have nightmares with Jude Law now (he once portrayed a robot gigolo in the movie "A.I.").

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not a girl, but I was under the impression that no dream with Jude Law could be considered a "nightmare."

      Delete
    2. Uh me either. ANY dream with Jude Law is a dream in itself. I remember the movie and even as a robot gigolo I was pretty turned on. oops did I just say that out loud....

      Delete
  30. Too funny!! I've had the same account for years and get the invites to be messenger buddies, but I've never had a convo pop up like that... Now, I kinda wish I had! Very entertaining. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For your sake, I hope you don't get them!

      Delete
  31. Hahaha! That robot-cyber woman is almost as much fun as my invisible gf. Maybe if you get a little closer we could do a double date. I wonder where we could take them that would be appropriate.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Alas, there are plenty more robot sluts where that came from... I guess it's a taste of the year 2041 where we will have no idea who is a real person anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully I'll have found a real girlfriend by then!

      Delete
  33. That was Brilliant! REAlly enjoyed reading it. Ooops, how long do I need to hold the shoft key for??? LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  34. OMG! How funny was that?! You played your part brilliantly, young Sir! A gentleman to the last. I didn't even know they were robots - not that I've ever had one wanting to chat with me LOL The fading panties was hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if she was a human, then she is pretty much the worst human ever.

      Thanks :)

      Delete
  35. Don't laugh. That relationship lasted longer than any of mine. ((sigh)) While you're out rustling up a nice girlfriend, would you see if she has a brother?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It lasted about as long as most of mine as well. I'll be sure to inquire if any potential girlfriends have a brother :)

      Delete
  36. SKYNET IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! YOU MADE HER SELF AWARE!!

    ...

    This could be the most awesome "Terminator" movie ever...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, if Kristanna Loken and that other terminator girl from the show wore nothing but black panties, I wouldn't mind taking the blame for Skynet.

      Delete
  37. You should have ask her if The Game was Over....haha

    ReplyDelete
  38. Visiting from Brett's site . . .

    I'm not sure why you were so dismissive of her. Robots need love, too. Maybe "not the last time i checked" is robot code for "i love you." You broke her cold, metal heart, sir. Maybe YOU are actually a robot! Very cold, indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  39. oh god oh god i lol'd so hard to this
    i love chatting to those bots when i'm bored, they always say random stuff and give completely nonrelated funny answers

    ReplyDelete
  40. You are amazingly funny--robots require very little commitment. I guess they could have their advantages:)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Robots need love too... I would cite Bender (Futurama) but more often he's a heartless bastard. Even he needs love though. <3 Thanks for the giggles.

    I would also suggest Gmail for the spam issue... I've been using it for years (without changing my username) and it keeps the spam separate without much effort from me. I <3 it mucho mucho. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I will have to convert over to Gmail!

      Delete
  42. freaking hilarious! I need to try this sometime.... I wonder if they try that with all people or just males, cause I don't think I've ever gotten random chats before. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yea, they probably only go after men... the weaker sex.

      Delete
  43. Oh my that was freaking funny lol

    ReplyDelete
  44. I have tears in my eyes right now! 'THank' you for giving me an awesome break from writing this morning. Now I'm picturing this as what would happen if the Borg assimilated the cast of "Girls Gone Wild."

    ReplyDelete
  45. Wow, How you can stop from that happening it annoying i am a female in rl and there are sluts out there.

    ReplyDelete

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