I apologize for my lack of presence in the blogosphere but I promise to be back in full force in the next week.
As I am unpacking and setting up my new apartment, I am quickly realizing that it lacks a woman's touch.
And then I realized that this blog could use a woman's touch as well.
So a huge thank you to my blogging (as well as real-life) friend, The Young Female Professional for stepping up and helping me out in my time of need.
You might have checked out her blog a little while back, when I wrote a guest post for her. And if you didn't stick around on her blog and read the rest of her posts and subscribe to her feeds and follow her on Twitter and fall in love with her, then consider this your second chance.
Okay, sorry. Enough talking from me. I've got some drapes to hang up or something.
Take it away YFP:
I am thrilled and honored to be a guest blogger for my IRL friend and blogger mentor Youngman Brown. He was kind enough to write Insecure at the Jersey Shore for my blog, so I am returning his gracious favor.
I had two good stories to write for his blog. I texted him and asked,
YFP: Ok you have your choice between the guy obsessed with Ghostbusters or the guy obsessed with his penis…
YoungmanBrown: Hahaha penis for sure.
I was even talking to Jill from Brilliant Title about this situation, and she said it would make an excellent blog post too. The wait is over my dear friend.
That’s Absolutely Fine
I met Trent online, and when I read his profile, he was my ideal guy. It was heartfelt. It was soul mate searching. It was adorable. I immediately e-mailed him and we hit it off right away. He was very much left brain, while I was the right brain, so we balanced each other out very well.
After a few weeks of awesomeoness, he texted me…
Trent: Would you hate me if I said I wanted to be friends for right now?
YFP: No, why would you think that? I’m just glad you told me now and not later.
This is indeed a 100% true. I would have wanted to know this now before I developed feelings for him.
Trent: Ok cool, thanks for understanding. That doesn’t mean we can do things…
For those of you who can’t read the subtext of that text, it means Friends with Benefits.
At the time I thought it was a good idea. He was an amazing kisser. I mean knock your socks off, give-me-more-of-a-piece-of-that-Kit-Kat bar kind of kisser. When a guy’s a good kisser, for me, it’s hard just to say no. I don’t know why exactly, but when I figure out, you can guarantee it’ll be posted in my blog.
Trent: Awesome. I have been told I am very well endowed…
- Guy Dating Tip #20 - Do not, I repeat, do NOT talk (of flaunt) about your member like that. Just do yourself a favor and don’t. Save yourself from the potential embarrassment.
YFP: Oh really?
As much as this intrigued me, I really was kind of doubtful. Cause let’s be real here, if a guy is talking about his member this openly like this, 99 times out of 100, it’s all talk.
A few weeks go by and he still bring it up, pretty consistently too. It was actually getting kind of annoying. Finally, I had to ask…
YFP: Alright, how big are we talking here?
Blunt, I know, but seriously, I needed to know what I was dealing with here.
Trent: It’s about 6” long, which I know is average, but it’s the width that I keep getting compliments on.
YFP: Alright…well compare it to something.
Trent: Well, I know it’s bigger than a TPtube.
I couldn’t control my laughter. Thank goodness this was via text and not in person.
Trent: We’ll it’s about the width of a credit card…
If it was horizontally long, I wouldn’t have touched him with a 12 foot pole. Quickly he texts back.
Trent: I meant vertically. That would be gross if it was horizontally. What do you think?
Just to make sure I was accurate, I grabbed my wallet and took out one of my credit cards. I had to see an actual card for myself before I actually answered his loaded question.
YFP: Phew! I was going to saylol…That’s absolutely fine.
That was true. I’ve seen bigger and smaller than a credit card in my 27 years, and that’s exactly what his was, fine.
Trent: Just fine?
Trent: Not spectacular?
Trent: I feel like I’ve been lied to. I always felt like that’s what was set me a part from the rest of the pack.
What a complex…I did feel horrible about breaking this guy’s bubble, but I was being honest from my point of view.
YFP: I hate to break your bubble, but from what it sounds like you do have a good size.
He went on to compare it to other member looking objects…Really dude?
Trent: I’ll just have to show you sometime. Maybe next week?
Oh damn it; I almost completely forgot he was coming up to my neck of the woods for the evening. I was then asking myself “What happened to the soul mate searching guy in the profile I read about?”
YFP: Yeah, we’ll see.
And that was the end of that train wreck of a conversation.
The next weekend, Trent came up for a concert. He ordered bratwurst for dinner, with everything but the kitchen sink on it. I thought to myself as his housed his meal, “This guy is going to be so sick to his stomach later.”
When we got back to my place afterward, we were relaxing watching TV. He wasn’t even trying to make a move, especially if he wanted to prove me wrong.
YFP: Well, I’m going to get ready for bed. Are you staying or are you going to head home?
Trent: I don’t know yet.
I got up off the couch to clean my face, brush my teeth, etc. the normal bedroom routine. When I returned to my living room, he was ready to head for the door.
Trent: Yeah I’m going to get going…
YFP: Oh, ok.
Trent: I’ll text you when I get home.
We hugged it out, and he was on his way.
What the eff just happened? Honestly, it didn’t bother me terribly. As soon as he left, I immediately went to bed. Ding! New text message from Trent.
Trent: Sorry I left, but I REALLY needed to shit.
I should have bet money on that bowel movement.
YFP: Ok. (How was I supposed to respond to that?)
Trent: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. If I would have stayed, you would have been on your knees right now.
Oh HELL no…what was this guy thinking?
YFP: Umm…no. I wouldn’t be on my knees. I told you I’m not a fan of doing that (News flash buddy, most women aren’t and you destroyed any chance you had with that comment).
- Guy Dating Tip #21 – Be careful when you’re making foreplay comments, especially when you’re not in the middle of foreplay. Some of them can be complete and total turn offs.
Trent: That sucks.
For the love of Gawd. I stopped texting Trent after that comment and just went to sleep. He continued texting me for the next few days, with one word responses from me. Until finally…
Trent: I blew it last week didn’t I?
Time to get real…
YFP: I want a relationship, and you said that you don’t want one. You’re fun to hang out with as a friend, but that’s all I want.
Mature, honest, and grown up response. I put on the big girls pants for that one.
Trent: That makes sense. I like hanging out with you, and I’d like to continue doing that.
Phew! Glad we can be adults and have adult conversations.
Trent: I’ll stop with the sexual remarks. Except for a maybe “that’s what she said” joke.
YFP: Hahaha, that’s acceptable.
Even I say “That’s what she said,” even if it doesn’t make sense. Ask my friend Jane.
Trent: Good. No more talking about my member though. Sure you’re ok with that?
And…the whole adult conversation remark, just throw it out the window. Yes President Obama that is exactly what I did. Literally the response to this text in my head was, “Really? You got to be effing kidding me.”
YFP: I think I’ll make it.
Trent: Good, I was worried.
YFP: Really? Lol Why?
Holy shit. Hello YFP Red Flag 2. Why?! I really didn’t care what his member looked like at that point, and that was the truth. I guess because I questioned the awesomeness of his member, he wanted to show me that I was wrong? Ugh, me and my honesty.
Trent thought that my “it’s just fine comment” meant that his member was average. Let’s split some more hairs shall we? Clearly, I hit a nerve I didn’t mean to. He indeed wanted to prove that it was more than “just fine.”
I stopped responding to his texts after that conversation. If Trent and I were ever going to be on the friends level, there needs to be some breathing space after rollercoaster comments like that. Even if his member was as fabulous as he was told, I still wouldn’t want to be around someone who talks about his privates every 5 minutes.
YFP Lesson: If you have wealth, fame, and potential endowed body parts, always stay humble.
Thanks again YFP! This guy sounds like a real winner. Though I am quite surprised that after cutting your date short he didn't try to impress you with the size of his poo. He could have even used the TP tube as a size comparison.
I feel obligated to offer my own Red Flag Warning here:
If you ever use the word "spectacular" to describe your member, you don't deserve to have one.
Don't forget to check out The Young Female Professional! You will be glad you did!