Monday, May 21, 2012

That's Absolutely Fine (An Absolutely Fine Guest Post)

If you have been missing my presence out there in the form of tweets, comments, and replies to your comments, it is because I have been very, very busy.  On top of all of the many real-world events that are occurring in my life (Think: work, baptisms, weddings, planning bachelor parties), I am also currently undertaking the stressful and time-consuming task of moving into a new apartment.

I apologize for my lack of presence in the blogosphere but I promise to be back in full force in the next week.

As I am unpacking and setting up my new apartment, I am quickly realizing that it lacks a woman's touch.

And then I realized that this blog could use a woman's touch as well.

So a huge thank you to my blogging (as well as real-life) friend, The Young Female Professional for stepping up and helping me out in my time of need.

You might have checked out her blog a little while back, when I wrote a guest post for her.  And if you didn't stick around on her blog and read the rest of her posts and subscribe to her feeds and follow her on Twitter and fall in love with her, then consider this your second chance.

Okay, sorry.  Enough talking from me.  I've got some drapes to hang up or something.

Take it away YFP:


I am thrilled and honored to be a guest blogger for my IRL friend and blogger mentor Youngman Brown. He was kind enough to write Insecure at the Jersey Shore for my blog, so I am returning his gracious favor.

I had two good stories to write for his blog. I texted him and asked,

YFP: Ok you have your choice between the guy obsessed with Ghostbusters or the guy obsessed with his penis…

YoungmanBrown: Hahaha penis for sure.

I was even talking to Jill from Brilliant Title about this situation, and she said it would make an excellent blog post too. The wait is over my dear friend.

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That’s Absolutely Fine

I met Trent online, and when I read his profile, he was my ideal guy. It was heartfelt. It was soul mate searching. It was adorable. I immediately e-mailed him and we hit it off right away. He was very much left brain, while I was the right brain, so we balanced each other out very well.

After a few weeks of awesomeoness, he texted me…

Trent: Would you hate me if I said I wanted to be friends for right now?

Wompwomp

YFP: No, why would you think that? I’m just glad you told me now and not later.

This is indeed a 100% true. I would have wanted to know this now before I developed feelings for him.

Trent: Ok cool, thanks for understanding. That doesn’t mean we can do things…

For those of you who can’t read the subtext of that text, it means Friends with Benefits.

YFP: Haha…sure.

At the time I thought it was a good idea. He was an amazing kisser. I mean knock your socks off, give-me-more-of-a-piece-of-that-Kit-Kat bar kind of kisser. When a guy’s a good kisser, for me, it’s hard just to say no. I don’t know why exactly, but when I figure out, you can guarantee it’ll be posted in my blog.

Trent: Awesome. I have been told I am very well endowed…


  • Guy Dating Tip #20 - Do not, I repeat, do NOT talk (of flaunt) about your member like that. Just do yourself a favor and don’t. Save yourself from the potential embarrassment.

YFP: Oh really?

As much as this intrigued me, I really was kind of doubtful. Cause let’s be real here, if a guy is talking about his member this openly like this, 99 times out of 100, it’s all talk.

A few weeks go by and he still bring it up, pretty consistently too. It was actually getting kind of annoying. Finally, I had to ask…

YFP: Alright, how big are we talking here?

Blunt, I know, but seriously, I needed to know what I was dealing with here.

Trent: It’s about 6” long, which I know is average, but it’s the width that I keep getting compliments on.

YFP: Alright…well compare it to something.

Trent: Well, I know it’s bigger than a TPtube.

I couldn’t control my laughter. Thank goodness this was via text and not in person.

Trent: We’ll it’s about the width of a credit card…

If it was horizontally long, I wouldn’t have touched him with a 12 foot pole. Quickly he texts back.

Trent: I meant vertically. That would be gross if it was horizontally. What do you think?

Just to make sure I was accurate, I grabbed my wallet and took out one of my credit cards. I had to see an actual card for myself before I actually answered his loaded question.

YFP: Phew! I was going to saylol…That’s absolutely fine.

That was true. I’ve seen bigger and smaller than a credit card in my 27 years, and that’s exactly what his was, fine.

Trent: Just fine?

Rut Roh…

Trent: Not spectacular?

Eff…

Trent: I feel like I’ve been lied to. I always felt like that’s what was set me a part from the rest of the pack.

What a complex…I did feel horrible about breaking this guy’s bubble, but I was being honest from my point of view.

YFP: I hate to break your bubble, but from what it sounds like you do have a good size.

He went on to compare it to other member looking objects…Really dude?

Trent: I’ll just have to show you sometime. Maybe next week?

Oh damn it; I almost completely forgot he was coming up to my neck of the woods for the evening. I was then asking myself “What happened to the soul mate searching guy in the profile I read about?”

YFP: Yeah, we’ll see.

And that was the end of that train wreck of a conversation.

The next weekend, Trent came up for a concert. He ordered bratwurst for dinner, with everything but the kitchen sink on it. I thought to myself as his housed his meal, “This guy is going to be so sick to his stomach later.”

When we got back to my place afterward, we were relaxing watching TV. He wasn’t even trying to make a move, especially if he wanted to prove me wrong.

YFP: Well, I’m going to get ready for bed. Are you staying or are you going to head home?

Trent: I don’t know yet.

I got up off the couch to clean my face, brush my teeth, etc. the normal bedroom routine. When I returned to my living room, he was ready to head for the door.

Trent: Yeah I’m going to get going…

YFP:  Oh, ok.

Trent: I’ll text you when I get home.

We hugged it out, and he was on his way.

What the eff just happened? Honestly, it didn’t bother me terribly. As soon as he left, I immediately went to bed. Ding! New text message from Trent.

Trent: Sorry I left, but I REALLY needed to shit.

I should have bet money on that bowel movement.

YFP: Ok. (How was I supposed to respond to that?)

Trent: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. If I would have stayed, you would have been on your knees right now.

Oh HELL no…what was this guy thinking?

YFP: Umm…no. I wouldn’t be on my knees. I told you I’m not a fan of doing that (News flash buddy, most women aren’t and you destroyed any chance you had with that comment).

  • Guy Dating Tip #21 – Be careful when you’re making foreplay comments, especially when you’re not in the middle of foreplay. Some of them can be complete and total turn offs.

Trent: That sucks.

For the love of Gawd. I stopped texting Trent after that comment and just went to sleep. He continued texting me for the next few days, with one word responses from me. Until finally…

Trent: I blew it last week didn’t I?

Time to get real…

YFP: I want a relationship, and you said that you don’t want one. You’re fun to hang out with as a friend, but that’s all I want.

Mature, honest, and grown up response. I put on the big girls pants for that one.

Trent: That makes sense. I like hanging out with you, and I’d like to continue doing that.

Phew! Glad we can be adults and have adult conversations.

Trent: I’ll stop with the sexual remarks. Except for a maybe “that’s what she said” joke.

YFP: Hahaha, that’s acceptable.

Even I say “That’s what she said,” even if it doesn’t make sense. Ask my friend Jane.

Trent: Good. No more talking about my member though. Sure you’re ok with that?



And…the whole adult conversation remark, just throw it out the window. Yes President Obama that is exactly what I did.  Literally the response to this text in my head was, “Really? You got to be effing kidding me.”

YFP: I think I’ll make it.

Trent: Good, I was worried.

YFP: Really? Lol Why?

Trent: I think, you think my member is small, and that worries me. 


Holy shit. Hello YFP Red Flag 2. Why?! I really didn’t care what his member looked like at that point, and that was the truth. I guess because I questioned the awesomeness of his member, he wanted to show me that I was wrong? Ugh, me and my honesty.

Trent thought that my “it’s just fine comment” meant that his member was average. Let’s split some more hairs shall we? Clearly, I hit a nerve I didn’t mean to. He indeed wanted to prove that it was more than “just fine.”

I stopped responding to his texts after that conversation. If Trent and I were ever going to be on the friends level, there needs to be some breathing space after rollercoaster comments like that. Even if his member was as fabulous as he was told, I still wouldn’t want to be around someone who talks about his privates every 5 minutes.

YFP Lesson: If you have wealth, fame, and potential endowed body parts, always stay humble.


----

Thanks again YFP!  This guy sounds like a real winner.  Though I am quite surprised that after cutting your date short he didn't try to impress you with the size of his poo.  He could have even used the TP tube as a size comparison.

I feel obligated to offer my own Red Flag Warning here:



If you ever use the word "spectacular" to describe your member, you don't deserve to have one.

Don't forget to check out The Young Female Professional!  You will be glad you did!



50 comments:

  1. Wow. All I can say is wow. I cringed all the way through this.

    "Baby, I'm built like a credit card. Vertically, not horizontally. That would be weird."

    Pickup line of the year.

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    1. I was a tad scared after he said that, for the obvious reasons. First time I ever heard credit card as a reference. Glad you liked it guys!

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  2. "Sorry I left but I REALLY needed to shit". OH Yea, he is a REAL classy dude alright!!!!

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    1. Literally I was thinking...TMI! TMI!!! Glad you liked it!

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  3. That is one of the most awkward things I've ever read! I could almost feel bad for a guy that self-conscious, except for the fact that it centered entirely around his dick.

    He was definitely tiny.

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    1. Unfortunately, that was my thought too...literally I wanted to scream, please could we not talk about your penis for 5 minutes! Thanks for reading!

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  4. Well, I'm a five year old at heart - and any stories that include body parts still make me laugh my head off. So thanks for this bit of enjoyment... but I do have one question - don't a lot of guys have this sort of complex?

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    1. I think we all have some level of complexes, but this is the first time I have ever heard of a guy that talks THAT much about it. Glad you enjoyed the post!

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  5. YES! I have been waiting for this story for SO long! I'm sorry that it didn't work out in your favor, but to be honest, it did end as an even better story than it was before!

    But please Jesus, don't let the toilet paper tube comparison become a thing...

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    1. Glad you enjoyed the whole story Jill! I'm quite ok it didn't work out. Some of the stuff he used to describe it I was like, "wow...this is a first" lol

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  6. So funny! I love that he texted you about having to shit. It's so considerate of him.

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    1. I only have encounters with considerate men. Glad you liked it!

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  7. Ugh! Men bringing up the size of their dick is always a sign to run. Every guy I've been with that had a nice penis, had never brought it up before I actually got to see it. It's just not necessary.

    Thanks for making me laugh. Even if it was at someone else's expense. Okay, ESPECIALLY since it was at someone else's expense.

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    1. Bringing up the size of their member and asking for pictures of yourself or offering to send pictures of their wang. TOTAL TURN OFF! DON'T DO IT!

      Glad you liked it! Feel free to follow me. I have plenty more stories!

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  8. haha Spectacular... that's up there with Fabulous....

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    1. Haha! Glad you liked it! Thanks for reading!

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  9. Adversely, I told a girl how incredibly small my penis was. I thought it would aroused some curiosity. I figured I could whip out my 3.732" dong, and in doing so, exceed her expectations by at least a quarter of an inch or so. Unfortunately, she never responded. Damn.

    Anyway, hilarious post YFP! I can't believe some of these people exist.

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    1. Wow, that a very accurate measurement Chiz....but glad you liked it! Head over to my blog to read plenty more stories like this! :-)

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  10. Wow, just, yeah, wow.

    Usually I don't talk about my penis. I wait until someone else brings it up or they flat-out ask what I'm packing. When that happens, I usually undersell. This way it's more of a happy surprise instead of a letdown.

    How old is this kid? He has NO game whatsoever. Someone call Hitch!

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    1. Glad you don't Brandon. It's just safer let there be a mystery. I'm one of those blunt women who will ask after SEVERAL dates...

      The guy is old enough to have the basic game knowledge. Lessons from Hitch couldn't hurt. Thanks for reading!

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  11. Thank you for the love everyone! And Youngman Brown, I'm in love with you too (and I love making you vibrate, giggity) :-) To read more of my blog, head on over to http://youngfemaleprofessionals.blogspot.com/ or follow me on Twitter @yfp222

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  12. Like any woman in her early 30s who is single and still dating I've seen a range if sizes & widths. You find a way to make it work if u like the guy (with the exception of baby carrot dicks-call my insensitive but it just won't cut it for me long term). Bringing up their size is always a red flag. If they have to talk up sexual prowess it's usually to convince themselves more than anyone else.

    This was a truly cringe worthy guest post!! I feel for you!

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    1. Nicely said Jewels! But no need to cringe. I'm more in shock than anything. Onto the next! :-)

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  13. I actually had to get my credit card out and check the measurements.

    Fantastic guest post. had me laughing all the way.

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    1. I had to do the same thing! Glad I made you laugh! There are plenty of more stories to come! :-)

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  14. I found myself visualizing a credit card as well. Hysterical post. I think his is less than average otherwise he wouldn't be talking obsessively about it.

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    1. I know. I actually had to think about it for awhile until I finally had to grab one and see it myself...now I think of it every time I grab my credit card. Glad you liked it Gina!

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  15. By the end of the post, I wasn't picturing the normal credit card. I was picturing the ones that can fit on your key chain. lol Excellent post!

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    1. HAHA! Wow, that's right. I should have asked him about the compact size...haha! So happy you enjoyed reading it!

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  16. Never mind the credit card I am still howling at the "well I know it's bigger than a TPtube." Can't stop picturing Trent trying to shove his johnson into a toilet paper roll! Hilarious post. I will definitely check out your blog!

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    1. I seriously thought to myself, well that's the first time I've ever heard that. Glad you liked it and thanks for following!

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  17. Hilarious.

    I think I might've been on a date with some of this guys relatives though...

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    1. Thanks you liked it! I'm sure there are plenty more relatives out there....

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  18. OMG girl! I am right there with you and Jewels rules on dick pics! I don't get it!

    When will men understand that women buy toys generally larger than 90% of the men we sleep with.

    I can assure you there have been only a handful of lovers (less than 5) that stick in my memory (that doesn't include my ex-husband). The rest are a wash of general YAWN!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't understand what the appeal is for that? Please can a man explain this to us?! haha :-)

      I know, there are only a few that really stick out in my mind as well. Glad you liked the post!

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  19. There's nothing I love more than giving head to a guy who just took a huge shit in my bathroom.

    So gross. Not a fan of guys who talk so much about their wangs. Like you said, if you have to talk about it it's probably not that impressive.

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    1. Exactly! Why for the love of gawd do they find that this is a turn on. Even in the bedroom, it's not always a turn on...ugh...Someone call Hitch!

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  20. Oh wow, Trent is a Real Winner. I'm not sure which was my favorite quote. But I'm thinking it was between the "I had to shit" and the "had I stayed, you'd be on your knees" lines. Talk about sweeping a girl off her feet.

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    1. The on the knees comment was the icing on the cake. I wanted to ask how many women he picked up with that line, but I was too shock and horrified that those words even came out of his mouth. Glad you liked it!

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  21. Yeesh, that was painful to read.

    I have no words for my fellow males at times, guys like Trent make me wish I could quietly excuse myself from the whole gender.

    That you were so polite and tolerant with his insecurities and misogyny is commendable - and I'm sure he thought himself a gentleman and a scholar with that witty, intellectually-stimulating banter of his.

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    1. I know not all guys are like that, but come on! Makes me quiver sometimes.

      Yes, being professional and mature (aka the high road) is the best way to go. Glad you liked it!

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  22. Love it - great story! Definitely checking out your blog.

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    1. Thanks Annalisa! There are plenty stories like that, and many more to come. Thanks for showing the love and feel free to forward it along to your friends and family!

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  23. What a great post TYFP is an awesome women which is why I follow her because I follow awesome bloggers.......now to Trent and his just fine penis........I will never understand why men think it is cool to talk about the penis it is a turn off for me........

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    1. It's one of the universe's great mysteries Jo-Anne. Glad you liked it. Feel free to forward along the YFP love!

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  24. That dude is a weirdo! I mean really! The way he conducted his conversation made ME feel awkward!

    You handled yourself about as good as any decent adult could. How you didn't just die laughing in his face is a mystery!

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    1. I'm happy to know it make either sex uncomfortable. It's called self control Dan... :-)

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  25. LOL I almost peed at Youngman's "Spectacular" comment. hahahahaha

    1. I dated a Trent once. Could it be the name?
    2. He was average...at best!
    3. Bratwurst? I'm going to have to google that one.

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    1. Hahaha I know. I virtually high fived Youngman for that one. To answer your questions Jax:

      1. That was the first Trent I dated...so possibly is a trend.
      2. Definitely average at best.
      3. Like I said...I looked at it and just went GEW!

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  26. Never date a Trent and you will be happy)))

    Speed Dating Bristole

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When you comment, I vibrate.