Thursday, June 28, 2012

Best Man: Holding the Ring

Missed the first two responsibilities of a best man?  Go back to yesterday's post to read about them.

3) Hold the ring.
I know.  You'd think this one would be the easiest.  Easier than making a speech, right?

Not for me.

As soon as I was handed the ring, I felt as if I was entrusted with the sole object that would save the world from the Armageddon.  I immediately tucked it away into the safe confines of my breast pocket.  But within seconds of putting it in my pocket, I began mentally evaluating the security of my pocket and the craftsmanship in which it was sewed.  Surely, if there was a faulty breast pocket out there in the world, it would be mine.  I could actually feel the stitching begin to come undone.  The pocket simply couldn't handle such a burden, weighed down not by the weight of the ring but by the consequences of what it would mean to lose it.

I imagined the priest saying, "The ring, please?" and then me grasping at every pocket with a panicked look on my face, and eventually running away, leaving nothing but a trail of tears in my wake.

In high school, I had a teacher that said "okay?" all the time.  But it was something that, once you became aware, you couldn't help but hear.  Once enough of us became aware of his nervous tick, we turned it into a game and placed bets on how often he would say it in one class period.  Keeping a tally of the number of times he said "okay?" became more important than taking notes about what he was actually saying.

It is probably why I didn't do well in that class.

But my point is the fact that I was well aware of the fact that I was constantly touching my chest, right around the left-nipple area.  There are many worse places on your body to be constantly touching, but the left-nipple area is still kinda questionable.  But since I was aware of the fact that I was constantly "checking" my left nipple at such a steady rate, the congregation turned into an audience... an audience that was looking at me.  I had met many of the guys at the bachelor party, and had gotten a pretty good gauge of their personalities.

Unfortunately, most of them were just like me.

With that in mind, I imagined that their attention was attuned, not to the wedding proceedings at hand like they should be, but directly at me and my itch to touch my left nipple.  I imagined them with notebooks in their hands as they kept a tally of how many times I touched it, and I wondered what the count must be up to at this point, and whether or not they needed a new notebook at this point.

And as I thought about how they were all watching me to see if I was going to touch my left nipple again, I only had one thought in my mind:

Was the ring still there?

I had just checked twenty seconds ago, but what if something had happened?  Had I bent over slightly, allowing the contents of my left breast pocket to pour out onto the floor?

I want, so desperately, to check my pocket again.  But I am so sure that everyone in the audience is so attuned to my OCD-like patting of my chest, that I don't want to risk them ticking another tally on their programs with their pencils.

So I try to do it smoothly. 

Maybe I pretend to adjust one of the buttons on my tuxedo.  Then I slowly run my hand up my lapel, as if it is an action that is directly related to the adjusting of buttons.  But it is an action that any keen bet-taker in the audience would have noticed to be an independent action.

Or maybe I could look skyward and touch my heart, as if I am touched by the romantic and faithful actions that are taking place at the altar.

Yea, I'm not good at fake-crying either.
Or, in a desperate act, perhaps I bring my hand upwards to pretend to wipe away a tear from my face.  But as I do so, I graze my left-nipple-area.

But then the priest asks for the ring and I present it, with shaking hands.  But they aren't shaking because I am nervous.  And they aren't trembling because I am energized about the most important day of my friend's life.

No, they are shaking because I am so excited to finally get this damned ring off of my hands.  I had to hold that God-forsaken thing for like, at least forty minutes.  I mean, what a responsibility! 

So yea.  Holding the ring is NOT the easiest responsibility for the best man to accomplish. 

But only if it is me, I guess.

But that is still not the hardest responsibility that a best man has to undertake.  Come back tomorrow to read about what it takes to sit next to the groom.


  1. You know, I think you should have said 'left nipple' just one more time... lol

    Each time I read the phrase I had to laugh. And,of course, I'm looking forward to tomorrow :)

  2. Oh, my, that sounds like something I would be obsessed with checking, too. But thank goodness women typically don't have breast pockets, because if I kept touching my left nipple, it would be a bit more questionable than you touching yours :)

  3. I never even thought about this. I would be doing the same thing. I have already checked my bag six times this morning to make sure I put my grocery list in it, and that is nowhere near as important as a wedding ring.

    I'm going to brush my left nipple today while talking to people to see if it makes any of them uneasy.

  4. I was the MOH at my aun'ts wedding and the ring holding freaked me out too. No one wants to be the person who lost the ring. Talk about a nightmare.

  5. That would certainly be my biggest fear because I have the same OCD for almost everything. When I go to the movies, I have to hold onto my ticket with a clenched fist until it has been cleared. Or, if I go to a baseball game, I check my pocket approximately 40 times from the subway to the gate.

    Anyway, I found this post ridiculously funny because I could imagine myself doing the same thing.

    (Also, I had a professor who said 'um' so much that I had to switch courses because I couldn't focus.)

  6. I went to a wedding where the best man did the 'nervous pat-down' looking for the ring, and the audience (and bride and groom) laughed. It was all a joke to ease tensions.

    The next wedding, same thing happened. Except this time the groom flipped. "You... YOU LOST THE RING?!?" and before the best man could explain the joke, he got decked...

  7. This ring stress never occurred to me. Thank God no one has asked me to be a best man. I check my purse for my keys at least 100,000 times a day (give or take-- because, you know, the lining of the purse could rip or the car key could somehow miraculously come off the key chain), so the wedding ring thing would've just sent me over the edge.

    great post!!


  8. Oh my goodness...I laughed so hard at this because it's something I would do. *That and because I imagined your poor chaffed red let nipple at the end of the ceremony* Once I start to worry about something I can't stop the behavior I engage in to calm myself. For example if I see a spider and try to kill it but miss my eyes go back to that spot at least every 3 seconds waiting for it to emerge from behind the dresser and eat my face. Back in the days of passing notes if somebody gave me one for somebody else but I had to wait a couple periods to pass it off...well I'd do the same nervous checking...and not at all because I longed to open it and read it. lol.

  9. Youngman likes the PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!

  10. My nipples itch a lot, but I feel it's not polite to play with my lady nipples in public. How will I check for the ring when I'm the best man? And if the best man is the best man, then why doesn't the bride marry the best man instead of the groom? We don't even know if the groom is second best.


  11. Third time I've been back to this post today. Tried to comment the first two, but internet died.

    I'm blaming the dude touching his nipple. And I blame you for putting it there.

    The picture, not the nipple. it will get there on its own. :p

  12. Hope you made it alright, by the way head on over to my blog and pick up your Liebster award.

  13. The word nipple makes me giggle like a 12 year old. Geez I'm immature!

    It sounds like they chose the right Best Man for the job.

  14. Between the picture of the "hot guy" holding his manly man boob and your description of you "fondling" yourself, I burst out laughing. But, I feel bad for your right nipple. I'm pretty sure it feels left out.


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