Friday, July 13, 2012

Netflix: The Pulse-Checker


It's funny.

Netflix was just like, "Are you still watching 'Louie'?"

And I was all like, "Of course I'm still watching 'Louie,' Netflix.  Why would you think otherwise?"

And then I realized that five hours ago, I had sat down on the couch and said "I guess I will watch an episode of 'Louie'" and then I just laid there. 

For five hours.

Because with the new Netflix streaming, you don't even have to click "watch next episode."

It just assumes that you want to.  And rightfully so.

It knows that you are too weak-willed to turn off your Playstation and call it quits for the night, so it just goes onto the next one, and you don't even have to click a button.

I know this for a fact, because my Playstation controller actually ran out of power during my Louie-coma.

As I arose from my trance and stumbled across the room to find the extension cord for my controller, I realized that this was the way that the authorities were contacted when someone died while watching Netflix streaming.

A message pops up on the screen, asking "Are you still watching _______?"

But in reality, it is asking "Are you still alive?" knowing full-well that if you don't click "yes," then you are totally dead and it calls an ambulance for you.

So thanks, Netflix, for checking my pulse.  But I haven't had enough television goodness yet.

I plugged in my controller and let it begin recharging, then curled back up on the couch.  I brought the blanket to my chin and settled in to eat up the hypnotism of Netflix streaming until it checked in on me again.

I might not be dead, but I certainly don't have a life.

-Youngman Brown



  1. Huh. I've never seen this Louie, of which you speak. I will have to check it out.

    I was going to say I couldn't imagine watching 5 hours straight of something, but that would be a big, fat lie. I've been caught up a time or two (alright, more) in trash tv marathons. After every episode ends, I say to myself, "okay, one more and then I'm shutting it off," only to find myself, hours and hours later, still trapped by the marathon! Trash tv is evil that way. And it doesn't even check to see if I'm alive!

  2. I want to watch Louie. I am a late comer to the genius that is Louie CK. Take it from an amateur: funny, funny man.

  3. Netflix is dangerous. I could watch and still have a life if it were just movies. It's the TV shows that sap away all of my energy and will to do anything else. Especially when there are six seasons of a show I've never watched. I sometimes kind of despise myself when I've watched an entire day of television. But then I remember that I don't have cable, so at least I can still be smug in conversations with other people.

  4. Good lord I love Louie. I always thought it was kind of funny, until my boyfriend pointed out the complete lack of continuity in the show. Now I think it's genius.

    I have some days where I have movie marathons. Last year my friend and I did two Sundays straight of Homeland and watched the whole season. She doesn't have pay channels and I was so convinced she NEEDED to see the show I made her come over. So it was actually my second time seeing all the episodes. I've also been known to watch Six Feet Under all day.

  5. What is Louie and why have I never heard of it?? hmph!!

    I don't have Netflix, but that is very nice of them to make sure that you're still alive :)

  6. That IS a pretty awesome feature... although, I am pretty sure it if you didn't reply, it wouldn't contact your next of kin, just shut off your stream and allocate resources elsewhere... Something like checking up on your elderly neighbor and when they don't answer the door, moving their sprinkler to your yard.

  7. Louie CK rocks and so does this post!

  8. my internet does not let me stream, but i can imagine being addicted and dying in front of the tv

  9. Netflix charged me for SIX MONTH of streaming because I was too stupid to realize that my bill had gone up from $9.99/ mo to $16.99. When I called, they said "You have free streaming!" and I said, 1. It is not really free if it costs $7, and 2. what is streaming?

    I had never (to my knowledge) "streamed," either accidentally or intentionally. I do not think I even know how to, or if I am capable of it (remember, I am part Amish).

    Netflix credited my account for 3 months. They said 6 months was just plain stupidity on my part for not checking my bill.

    But now that you have explained the free ambulance feature, I am thinking that the extra $7 is totally worth it.


  10. I don't have a life, and I'm dead. I win!


  11. LMAO, I did the same thing this past weekend when Season 1 on Saturday and Season 2 on Sunday of the Walking Dead was on. I forgot what the real world was like when it ended.

  12. I feel like a relic. No Netflix. No streaming. No ability to adapt to any technology developed after 1997. Perhaps that's a good thing? Enjoy your lazy days. I miss mine.

  13. Does Netflix speak with an automated human voice, most likely of the British or Australian variety? Because if any of those five hours of TV occurred after 8:30 pm, I'd be asleep. It would be nice to have a friendly voice to wake to...

  14. Awww...who knew Netflix was so altruistic? Not me.
    Some Dark Romantic

  15. Wow. It's like Onstar. For your TV.

  16. Welcome to the No Life Club! I actually have never watched TV longer than 2 hours. I have heard of Louie, just have never seen it.

    Glad that somebody out there is keeping an eye on you!

  17. I have no life either. Netflix and I are good friends.

  18. Once the prices changed, I had to drop Netflix, so now I have poor man's Netflix. It's called Youtube, and while it doesn't check on my pulse to make sure I haven't died, it does occasionally send me to the back alleys of Youtube, you know, where the really, REALLY weird stuff is found. Which, ironically, is the one place they *should* be checking to see if you're still alive (inside or out).

    Also, thanks mucho for the kickstarter help. We appreciate it a lot, and rest assured, when that magical time comes, you will not be disappointed with your post.

  19. I'm with ABFTS, with the huge price jump, I dropped their service. I miss it though. Still, it might just be me, but I'd call that a perfect day.

  20. I've heard good things about Louie. I will have to check it out.

    As several other commenters have said, the TV shows on Netflix suck me in. It is easy to lose an entire day.


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