While I was driving last week, I saw an R+L Carriers truck.
Their motto made me angry. It boasted, "We Ship Anything, Anywhere, Anytime."
Seriously, R+L Carriers? How could you advertise such an impossible promise? Are you able to ship, say, eighty million bowling balls to the peak of Mt. Everest? Or could you perhaps ship a single helium-filled balloon to the bottom of the ocean?
In an attempt to see if they really could deliver what they promise, I sent them an e-mail:
Dear R+L Carriers
I saw one of your trucks today, and on the side of the truck it said that you ship anything, anywhere, anytime.
Is this really true?
Would you be able to ship the Empire State Building to the Moon, yesterday?
Kind regards,Youngman Brown
Wouldn't you know, they didn't respond.
I wasn't going to just leave it at that, however. So I dug even deeper into their website in order to find their phone number.
I found a section of their website that they call the "Messaging Center."
It is here that I discovered that R+L Carriers thinks that we are all idiots. Here's the message that greets you at their "Messaging Center," written in a language assumes this is your very first attempt to navigate that enigma called The Internet.
Welcome to R+L's Messaging Center. All the messengers we post here for download are available for FREE! They use the connection you have established with your Internet Service Provider (ISP). Instant messages are similar to email. They are text messages you type back and forth, but it's almost like having a real conversation. Unlike email, instant messages appear as soon as they are sent. Instant messaging is faster than email and cheaper than a phone call.
Now that I had this wonderful information at hand, I realized that they had not blown off my e-mail, assuming that I was just writing it to be an asshole.
The problem wasn't what I had written.
The problem was that I had written it in an e-mail.
I hadn't really thought to contact them using instant messaging. Hell, I didn't even know about instant messaging until I stumbled across their Messaging Center with all of its wonderful information. I now understood that e-mail isn't as fast as instant messaging, meaning that they still might not have even gotten the e-mail. It had only been two days, after all.
I was also very thankful for the fact that I learned that I would save a considerable amount of money by instant messaging them as opposed to calling them, as I had originally planned. Phone calls truly are expensive, and I really need to save money wherever I can if I want to ship the Empire State Building to the Moon.
So I downloaded all three messengers, added R+L Carriers as a contact on each, and waited for them to sign on.
Nobody logged in.
I suppose when you are off delivering anything anywhere anytime, there isn't much time for customer service.
Though if I had logged in, I'm sure the conversation would have gone something like this:
R+L: Hello! How I can I assist you?
YMB: Hi! You say that you can ship anything, anywhere, anytime?
R+L: Yes, we can!
YMB: Well if that's true, I'd like to ship the Empire State Building to the Moon, yesterday! Haha!
YMB: What do you mean, "done"?
R+L: We completed that shipment yesterday, as per your request today. The tracking number is 100004948332.
R+L: Yes, wow. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Or yesterday? Lol.
YMB: Ship a living Tyrannosaurus Rex to Disney World.
YMB: Ship a dozen machine guns to the Union Army at Gettysburg.
YMB: Ship the Eagles to the Super Bowl, this year.
YMB: Ship a video camera to one of the disciples of Jesus the day he walked on water.
YMB: Ship Scarlett Johansson to my bedroom, every night.
Hopefully R+L Carriers can deliver.
All I really care about is the Scarlett Johansson one, though.
So how about it. If you could ship anything, anywhere, anytime... what would you do? Comment below!
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