Sunday, October 7, 2012

Anything, Anywhere, Anytime

While I was driving last week, I saw an R+L Carriers truck.

Their motto made me angry. It boasted, "We Ship Anything, Anywhere, Anytime."




Seriously, R+L Carriers?  How could you advertise such an impossible promise?  Are you able to ship, say, eighty million bowling balls to the peak of Mt. Everest?  Or could you perhaps ship a single helium-filled balloon to the bottom of the ocean?

In an attempt to see if they really could deliver what they promise, I sent them an e-mail:

Dear R+L Carriers

I saw one of your trucks today, and on the side of the truck it said that you ship anything, anywhere, anytime.

Is this really true?

Would you be able to ship the Empire State Building to the Moon, yesterday?

Kind regards,
Youngman Brown


Wouldn't you know, they didn't respond.

I wasn't going to just leave it at that, however.  So I dug even deeper into their website in order to find their phone number.

I found a section of their website that they call the "Messaging Center."

It is here that I discovered that R+L Carriers thinks that we are all idiots.  Here's the message that greets you at their "Messaging Center," written in a language assumes this is your very first attempt to navigate that enigma called The Internet.

Welcome to R+L's Messaging Center. All the messengers we post here for download are available for FREE! They use the connection you have established with your Internet Service Provider (ISP). Instant messages are similar to email. They are text messages you type back and forth, but it's almost like having a real conversation. Unlike email, instant messages appear as soon as they are sent. Instant messaging is faster than email and cheaper than a phone call.

Now that I had this wonderful information at hand, I realized that they had not blown off my e-mail, assuming that I was just writing it to be an asshole. 

The problem wasn't what I had written. 

The problem was that I had written it in an e-mail. 

I hadn't really thought to contact them using instant messaging.  Hell, I didn't even know about instant messaging until I stumbled across their Messaging Center with all of its wonderful information.  I now understood that e-mail isn't as fast as instant messaging, meaning that they still might not have even gotten the e-mail.  It had only been two days, after all.

I was also very thankful for the fact that I learned that I would save a considerable amount of money by instant messaging them as opposed to calling them, as I had originally planned.  Phone calls truly are expensive, and I really need to save money wherever I can if I want to ship the Empire State Building to the Moon.

So I downloaded all three messengers, added R+L Carriers as a contact on each, and waited for them to sign on.

And waited.

And waited.

Nobody logged in.

I suppose when you are off delivering anything anywhere anytime, there isn't much time for customer service.

Though if I had logged in, I'm sure the conversation would have gone something like this:

R+L: Hello!  How I can I assist you?
YMB: Hi!  You say that you can ship anything, anywhere, anytime?
R+L: Yes, we can!
YMB: Well if that's true, I'd like to ship the Empire State Building to the Moon, yesterday!  Haha!
R+L: Done.
YMB: What do you mean, "done"?
R+L: We completed that shipment yesterday, as per your request today.  The tracking number is 100004948332.



YMB: Wow.
R+L: Yes, wow.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?  Or yesterday?  Lol.
YMB: Hmmmm....
YMB: Ship a living Tyrannosaurus Rex to Disney World.
YMB: Ship a dozen machine guns to the Union Army at Gettysburg.
YMB: Ship the Eagles to the Super Bowl, this year.
YMB: Ship a video camera to one of the disciples of Jesus the day he walked on water.
YMB: Ship Scarlett Johansson to my bedroom, every night.


Hopefully R+L Carriers can deliver.

All I really care about is the Scarlett Johansson one, though.


-Youngman Brown


So how about it.  If you could ship anything, anywhere, anytime... what would you do?  Comment below!


Dude Write

Submitting this to Dude Write.  Go check out some great writing by some great dudes, and vote for your favorites! 


38 comments:

  1. Even if R+L can deliver on all of the above, once the Empire State building arrived at the Moon, some incompetent in Customs would eff up the paperwork and the shipment would be rejected. Then you as the shipper would also have to pay for the return freight.

    Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha you are totally right. It never goes according to play when shipping things into outer space.

      Delete
  2. I am sure proud you got a tracking number, it would be bad if the Empire State Building got lost in transit.

    Now did they give you a tracking number to track Scarlett?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'd like to ship me to Japan in the year 2118. How cool would things be then? I'd love to see it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmmmm, I would ship Scarlett Johansson to the point in the future where they have successfully perfected cloning, have her cloned, and then shipped back to me so that I could have two Scarlett Johanssons, one wearing the outfit from Iron Man 2 and the other wearing the outfit from The Avengers. Yup, that's what I would do because I don't know which version I like better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It really is too tough of a decision for anyone to have to make.

      Delete
  5. I would ship Dr. X to Mars, as long as he could still send me checks.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  6. Since I happen to own the Empire State Building I order you to eave it alone. I don't want it shipped anywhere. ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well you can just ask R+L to ship it back.

      Delete
  7. I'm still waiting to hear from back from Crest about whether their "prevents acid attack" toothpaste would have saved Ripley and the gang in "Alien."

    For what it's worth, I'd like to send several people back to the moment the asteroid wiped out dinosaurs and other small-brained creatures... but then we wouldn't have R+L, would we?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd like to send some people to black holes, so I hear you on this one.

      Delete
  8. I've already told you this on Twitter, but I would ship a T Rex to Jurassic Park. Apparently, they lost the last one they had.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ha ha, poor R&L didn't know who they were messing with when they put that slogan on their truck and drove past your car! They really want to log on to their messaging, but are afraid, because they know you're out there, waiting to pounce...




    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yea, they really should have thought it out.

      Delete
  10. I would ship Adam Levine to my door every morning as a singing alarm. I'd jump out of bed faster than Wyle E. Coyote after the Road Runner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm looking forward to seeing Adam Levine in the new American Horror Story.

      Delete
  11. Anything? I'd ship myself into a condo. And I'd ship AWAY all my student loan debt. Oh and Chris Hemsworth. Oh Thor....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We will work on the student loan debt first.

      Delete
  12. Hahahaa that cracked me up. Definitely my type of humour and I can see myself doing exactly what you did - messaging them to mess with their heads. Too bad they didn't respond, you'd squeeze even more humour out of it.

    Hilarious post, thanks for the laughs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's okay, though. I feel like I would have wasted some innocent dude's time.

      Delete
  13. Any time, huh? Okay, then I'd ship myself back into the past, have a talk with 13 year old me, and tell him to invest heavily in Google and Apple when I'm in high school. Then I'd ship myself back into the present where I'd be a billionaire. Thanks, R+L!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Um... I think you may be unpleasantly surprised when you get the invoice for this. You may find that you needed to file for bankruptcy about a decade back.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Apparently quite a few people haven't been forewarned of the dangers of time travel.

    You had everyone at your disposal, and you chose Scarlett Johansson...don't come crying to me when you get sick of those boobs.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hmm... Well I suppose we could alter history by sending a time bomb to Hitler. The possibilities are endless. I wonder, on what date was the company establish. I'm guessing the beginning of time? Ah, my brain hurts. I bet they're the ones that deliver the messages from the future in Looper.

    Anyway, the email you sent was absolutely hilarious. I like how blunt and nonchalant it was. As for the IM conversation, they probably knew what you were going to ask seeing as they wield the power bend time and space which allowed them to respond in a timely manner.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "I suppose when you are off delivering anything anywhere anytime, there isn't much time for customer service."

    Awesome line, made me lol. Funny cause it's true!

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is great, YMB! I'm a bit bothered by their arrogance that they think we are ignorant enough not to understand the complicated world of IM's and email. It's no wonder they think they can have such a broad promise on their trucks.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love it!! I think it is important that we challenge the absurdity in advertising that is out there - good for you!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I love to travel, so I would have them ship me somewhere new every weekend. It would save me tons in airfare.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Why do you have to be a doubter? You don't think they can deliver anything, anywhere, anytime? I believe in you R&L! (ha!)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Loved this. And I want the Tardis. Now please.

    ReplyDelete
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