Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Girl of My Dreams, or, My Subconscious Hates Me

On Saturday night, I had a dream that I was at a wedding.  This isn't really shocking information, considering the amount of weddings I have attended or been a part of in the past few months.

What is somewhat surprising is the fact that I was in love at this wedding.

It was one of those dreams where you wake up and you're sad that it was just a dream.  Whatever connection your subconscious made between your brain and your heart for the few seconds that the dream lasted are enough to bum you out as you groggily start your day.  Instead of grabbing cereal out of the cabinet, perhaps you grab ice cream out of the freezer.

Yes, ladies.  It happens to dudes too.

Source
What was particularly peculiar about this dreamy love connection was the fact that I hadn't thought about this girl for years.  Furthermore, I never really thought about her when I knew her.  And further-even-more, I never really knew her.

She was just a girl from high school who was three years older than me, a senior when I was a freshman. 

And that was the only connection.

Not once did I pine over her, crush on her, or really even think about her other than noting her existence.  We were in the same school for one year and then she graduated and I can honestly say that I never thought about her again.

If my math is correct, that means that I have not thought of that girl for eleven years.

But there we were in my dream at somebody's wedding, holding hands, dancing, kissing, and very much in love.

After waking up, I tried to get back to sleep so that I could find my way back to this dream, where it felt so nice.

But after failing to fall asleep, I finally gave up and got out of bed.  Then I did want any person in the modern era would do: I stalked her. 

It really isn't tough to stalk someone these days.  We weren't Facebook friends and I couldn't even remember her last name, but she had a unique first name.  Finding her was as simple as typing in the first few letters of her first name and voila!  Her picture appeared at the top of the search box.  I didn't even need to hit "enter."  There she was, within seconds.  Next to her picture appeared the words "10 mutual friends" and a last name that didn't ring a bell.  Apparently she got married.

This was only slightly disappointing.  I hadn't searched for her on Facebook with the intentions of marrying her (though I wouldn't have been against such a result).  I simply wanted to check in on my high school acquaintance who I had interacted more with in my four-second dream than in real-life.

The real disappointment had more to do with yet another girl getting married.  This summer of weddings provided a bit of a revelation to me that most of my friends are married or engaged.  It felt not too long ago that just the first of my friends were getting married and now, all of the sudden, everyone is hitched.  Including most of the girls I dated or wanted to date.

So seeing that this girl got married just added to that feeling: here's another one... another blown opportunity, another one I let slip away.  And yes, even though in eleven years I didn't even once think about asking her out on a date, it still felt like I blew it.

But here's the real kicker, and the reason I chose to write about this dream: Not only did she get married, but she got married yesterday.

There were pictures of her hair and nails and wedding dress, and messages of congratulations from friends and family and her status was all like, "Thanks to everyone for being there on our big day and blah blah blah"

Eleven years.  That is over 4000 nights of sleep, totaling over 32,000 hours of sleep (not including naps).  All of those hours of sleep, and not one conscious memory of this girl until last night, when we are together at a wedding in one of my dreams.  And it just so happens to be on the day that she got married. 

Hey subconscious: What. The. Fuck?  I'm not even going to try to figure out how you knew that she was getting married yesterday.  What I want to understand is the fact that after all of these years without even a thought of this girl for whom I have never even had a romantic sentiment, why do you wait all that time to fuse me with a romantic dream at literally the first moment that it is too late?  Are you teasing me?  Or trying to tell me something?  Because if the timing of that dream doesn't mean something or have some sort of significance, I don't know what does.

Seriously, subconscious, I have a hard enough time trying to figure out why I'm unable to run in my dreams.  I don't really need you to highlight the fact that my love life isn't going anywhere either.  I treat you well, giving you eight full hours every night.  And you repay me by giving me dreams of winning the lottery or becoming a famous writer and then you wake me up and force me to reestablish my normalcy.

Go ahead and tease me with money.  Tease me with fame if you feel so inclined. 

But not love.  That's just not cool.

Because I'm trying.

-Youngman Brown

43 comments:

  1. That's like having a dream about Christmas, all the gifts you got and seeing your family then waking up and bounding downstairs......then realizing it's July.

    Totally not cool.

    But you must be part psychic or something. That is way too ironic!

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  2. I was really hoping you were going to say I looked her up and she was still single..Boo to that dream.

    Don't be too hard on yourself though. I watched about ten of my friends get married (while I was still single) I was a serial brides maid, which was expensive and kinda sucked. But a few years later, I watched about half of those couples all get divorced...

    So, wait on. Don't rush into anything, your time and the right bride will come. xo

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    1. I sincerely hope that my friends have a happy life.

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  3. crap that sucks. and it's also a wee creepy (timing).

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  4. That is weird! Maybe it's a sign that love is just around the corner.

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  5. OOOOOHHHHH, I think you have a new career you never thought of. The poker dealin' psychic. That Long Island psyhic lady better watch out 'cause here comes Youngman Brown!!!

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    1. If only I could be psychic about things that I want to be psychic about.

      Vote #2...

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  6. Perhaps you saw a mention of it in one of the mutual friends comments, and didnt notice that you saw it?

    Or

    Maybe just maybe, you can predict the future....

    How long until I am a homeowner?? oh future seeing blogging friend...

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  7. Provided you didn't see someone comment on her status without realizing it, I would say you and I should talk.

    We'll start small... the state lottery, say. We can split 50/50.

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  8. Dear Youngman Brown,

    I understand that you have psychic powers. Please can you locate the last cashew nut that I dropped? I thought it went under the couch, but I can't find it anywhere.

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    1. Stuck to the back of your pants when you stood back up.

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  9. Your subconscious sounds like a real jerk to me. Teasing you like that, and then just taking it all away! Rude! I wouldn't stand for it, if I were you. Is it possible to go on strike from your own subconscious? I think you should try it.

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    1. I think the point is that we can't get away from it, unfortunately.

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  10. That is totally freaky! Difficult perhaps when you are surrounded by friends who are dropping like flies......errr.....I mean getting married. Sheesh Youngman you are young and free! Aside from your job and your pooch you are responsible to no one but yourself. Sounds rather dreamy sitting from the perspective of 20 years your senior. Enjoy your time. Travel, party, hell do whatever you want. Married life, kids etc. etc. will come soon enough. Remember - the grass is always greener. :)

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    1. Ah Pam, such helpful words. You are totally right!

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  11. So here is my take on it...(I'm sure you're dying to know, right?!)...I think your subconcious is not being a dick, but, rather, it is trying to help you. I think it is trying to tell you that the girl of your dreams might be someone already in your life right now that you aren't noticing, or a type of woman that you don't normally go for. Like, if you are normally wanting hot, crazy Krista kind of girls, but are overlooking the cute, nice girls (I have no idea what you like...just giving that as an example).

    The timing part of the dream, though? Freaky! Unless it means that the girl of your dreams isn't going to wait around forever for you to notice her?

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    1. But who, Kianwi?? Who?????

      You're right though, and excellent reference to Crazy Krista. You get bonus points.

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    2. Ah, why are boys so dumb? (just kidding :)

      Ask someone out you wouldn't normally ask out. Pay attention to the women in your life who are just your friends. Unfortunately, you are going to have to be the brave one, because if your dream girl hasn't asked you out, she is probably waiting for you to ask her.

      So what do I get for my bonus points???

      Delete
  12. How very strange. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe He's telling you it's time to get serious about a woman.

    Love,
    Janie

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  13. Wow. First the obvious, just a very well written piece. I suddenly feel like erasing most of what I've ever written online.

    My dreams have never had the timing yours did but I have had my own mind screw with me in my sleep on more than one occasion. It's weird to have even your own mind turn against you. I wish I could offer words of advice but I'm still scratching my head over one I had months ago.

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    1. Thanks RM, very kind of you to say. But please don't erase anything you've written!

      Definitely very weird some of the things the mind cooks up, that's for sure.

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    2. With your permission, I'd like to develop a fictional piece based on this post. No hard feelings if you decline but I had to ask, this story has been in my mind all night.

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    3. I'm really loving this idea, I haven't been this motivated to write in some time. For the inspiration and permission, you have my sincere thanks. A very rough start is up if you'd like to see what I've done to your experience.

      Delete
  14. Oooo creepy! Maybe that was just your subconscious saying that you're now ready to be in her shoes or something? I dunno.. Just trying to find the silver lining on the unfortunate. Stupid dreams.

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    1. Who knows. Hopefully it was a good thing.

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  15. My response to this essay is a combination of feeling really bad for you and laughing my ass off. Is that wrong?

    The nice thing about Ambien is my dreams turn me into a flying super-hero call Vix-Tar. They're so much better than running in quicksand.

    I'm with Izzy. Stupid, stupid dreams.

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    1. It's not wrong. I give you full permission to laugh your ass off at me.

      Vix-Tar? I'd like to be a fly on the wall of your dreams.

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  16. That is pretty screwed up...and lately I am the KING of pretty screwed up. My dreams tease and taunt me with things that never could be and never will be along with the never will be again and the just plain WTF.

    I can't run either in my dreams (and I'm pretty damn fast when I am awake, so imagine how that pisses me off) It's like being forced to play 2-7 off suit for you.

    WG

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  17. I completely agree with Kianwi but either that's a crazy dream. The timing!! Subconsciouses...? Subconsci...? However they're pluralized, they're crazy!

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    1. I think subconsciouses is good enough for me.

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  18. I know what you mean tho, everyone around me is getting married, engaged or has babies...I can't even keep a plant alive :(

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    1. That's okay, I returned my houseplant after three days.

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  19. I have no words.

    Tears? Yes.

    But no words.

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  20. I got you a present.
    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon

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  21. seriously? I thought some lucky girl would have snatched you up by now. the other night I dreamed about my ex and was actually attracted to him too!! jeez that was more like a nightmare. hang in there sweetie, your dream girl is around the corner.
    Shells

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