I saw Life of Pi in theaters the other day.
A few minutes before the previews started, this commercial came on:
"Mommy, what do Trojan Charged Orgasmic Pleasure Condoms do?"
I didn't hear any of the many children in the theater asking the question, but I am sure that the commercial must have piqued the interest of some inquisitive child somewhere. Hell, even I was a bit curious as to exactly what goes into a condom to make a laboratory of hot girls look like they just had sex just by watching a man and woman go into a large bubble.
It wouldn't be so bad if they just used the words, "trojan," "charged," "pleasure," and even "condom." But to throw in the word "orgasmic" puts parents dangerously close to having to have "The Talk." And when an old German woman comes on screen and yells "ORGASMIC PLEASURE ACHIEVED," "The Talk" is pretty much inevitable.
Sexual intercourse isn't the only thing that has to be explained, unfortunately. This commercial has also brought something to the surface that children should not have to face until a much later age: the fact that the word "orgasm" can be turned into an adjective, that it is completely accepted by society, and that it is even featured in the dictionary.
Not only does the child have to be taught about sex, but the poor child also has to be warned that he or she will be exposed to non-sexual things being referred to as "orgasmic."
"What kinds of things, mommy?" the curious child might ask.
And then you have to tell her how bad it has really gotten. How people will unjustifiably describe anything as "orgasmic" -- eating a piece of chocolate cake, watching an episode of Dexter, peeing after holding it in for a really long time, listening to the new Adele song, taking off your socks after a long day, and yes, apparently even condoms are "orgasmic."
"So chocolate cake can cause that really good sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation that you were describing earlier, mommy?*"
*My fictional children have incredible vocabularies.
"No sweetheart, not even close."
"Then that's not fair, mommy! Why aren't people who indiscriminately throw around the word 'orgasmic' rotting away in jail?"
And then, after all of the sex talk, you have to explain the injustices of our justice system.