Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Condom Commercials & Kids

I saw Life of Pi in theaters the other day.

A few minutes before the previews started, this commercial came on:



"Mommy, what do Trojan Charged Orgasmic Pleasure Condoms do?"

I didn't hear any of the many children in the theater asking the question, but I am sure that the commercial must have piqued the interest of some inquisitive child somewhere.  Hell, even I was a bit curious as to exactly what goes into a condom to make a laboratory of hot girls look like they just had sex just by watching a man and woman go into a large bubble.

It wouldn't be so bad if they just used the words, "trojan," "charged," "pleasure," and even "condom."  But to throw in the word "orgasmic" puts parents dangerously close to having to have "The Talk."  And when an old German woman comes on screen and yells "ORGASMIC PLEASURE ACHIEVED," "The Talk" is pretty much inevitable.

Sexual intercourse isn't the only thing that has to be explained, unfortunately.  This commercial has also brought something to the surface that children should not have to face until a much later age: the fact that the word "orgasm" can be turned into an adjective, that it is completely accepted by society, and that it is even featured in the dictionary.

Not only does the child have to be taught about sex, but the poor child also has to be warned that he or she will be exposed to non-sexual things being referred to as "orgasmic."

"What kinds of things, mommy?" the curious child might ask.

And then you have to tell her how bad it has really gotten.  How people will unjustifiably describe anything as "orgasmic" -- eating a piece of chocolate cake, watching an episode of Dexter, peeing after holding it in for a really long time, listening to the new Adele song, taking off your socks after a long day, and yes, apparently even condoms are "orgasmic."

"So chocolate cake can cause that really good sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation that you were describing earlier, mommy?*"

*My fictional children have incredible vocabularies.

"No sweetheart, not even close."

"Then that's not fair, mommy!  Why aren't people who indiscriminately throw around the word 'orgasmic' rotting away in jail?"

And then, after all of the sex talk, you have to explain the injustices of our justice system.

-Youngman Brown

36 comments:

  1. Okay. So what do Trojan Charged Orgasmic Pleasure Condoms do? I read your entire post and I still don't know the answer. I need an explanation, and I need it now. Nobody ever had "the talk" with me.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. It is a true mystery that I fear will never be solved.

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  2. What a bizarre ad choice for that movie....I never quite got the Talk...just some suggestions about how things might go

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  3. Oh, this is timely, as I just takked to my 12 year old about STDs last night. Maybe I should have just taken her to see Life of Pi instead.

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  4. I get skeeved out by the condom commercial where they are dancing and the woman starts like melting in to the man. I need someone to explain that to ME. Also, I am guilty of overuse of the word "amazing." I should be thrown in jail with the orgasmic episode of Dexter folk. Also, anyone who describes an episode of Dexter as orgasmic, is totally sick.

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    1. "Amazing" is okay to overuse in my book, since I savagely overuse the word "awesome."

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  5. LAWD, thanks for the warning. My son wants to see that movie, so now I will gently persuade him to see something else. The last thing I need is to explain orgasmic activity over a box of buttered popcorn.

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    1. I'm not sure if the movie was to blame or if it was the movie theater.

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  6. Sure, chocolate cake isn't orgasmic, but neither is any condom. I love how the commercials always make it seem like sex with these condoms is actually BETTER than au natural. I want to see the real commercial. You know, where the guy is like, "This usually doesn't happen," and the girl is feeling really self conscious. That sounds more like a Trojan.

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  7. Excuse me? Chocolate cake is super orgasmic....okay I lead a sad life but don't you ruin chocolate cake for me and I think I got my next Halloween costume idea now!

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    Replies
    1. also still need to read the book - it is on my shelf!

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    2. What, might I ask, is this costume?

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  8. On a side note, that movie was fantastic. My boyfriend's mother cried uncontrollably when it finished.

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  9. Trojan's slogan should be vamped up or even simply relay the truth. "Trojan Condoms: now coated with more irritating chemical substances."

    Gah, anyway, I think this is only the beginning. I wouldn't be surprised if the Disney Channel starts airing these ads.

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    1. Might as well get them while they're young, amiright?

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  10. I loved Life of Pi. I'm glad that we are becoming more open about sexuality in this nation. The puritan way of life is finally on its way out. All that led to was high teen pregnancy and AIDS.

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    1. You're right, but I think that there is still a line, when a condom is advertised as such an incredibly enjoyable product.

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  11. You're lucky that your fictitious children have large vocabulary. My fictitious kids are sarcastic brats who like to get up extremely early...which is partly why they don't exist yet and my husband and I are happy to keep their existence in limbo for quite some time!
    The German woman was a bit frightening and I don't think anything would have been achievable with her heavy observation!

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    1. While my fictitious kids are intelligent, they are always kept at a safe distance.

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  12. Wait a second. Are you saying that chocolate cake is NOT as good as that really good sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation? Huh. I might need someone to have 'the talk' with me again. :)

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  13. Wait...children can be fictitious? I would much rather those!

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  14. My mom told me, at the ripe age of 12, "don't ever fake an orgasm, you're there for YOU too".

    Meanwhile, my 8 year old says, "don't talk about puberty, I don't want to know." To which I sagely reply, "fine, don't come cryin' to me when you think shit is fallin' off."

    Because I like to keep it real. And orgasmic? I will be sure to tell her Trojans are NOT orgasmic. BOBs on the other hand.....

    Or is that too much? I feel like a "cross the line" precedence was set too long ago to fix......

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  15. I'm no prude, and I have no problem with the word orgasmic as long as it's in the right context. Your chocolate example? You're doing sex wrong if chocolate does the same thing for you! But to have it in a movie theater and have to explain it to my kids? Um, no. Not happening.

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  16. Two unrelated (ok, mildly related) stories...

    After waiting in line at a concert to use the facility, the guy next to me says "sometimes waiting that long makes peeing better than sex" to which after the mild annoyance of a guy talking at the urinal wore off..."you're doing something wrong."

    (More related) after having "the talk" with my then 13 year old son, he turns to me and says "eww, why would anyone want to do that?" (Which went farther than any verbal assurances of abstinence will ever go.

    WG

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  17. I believe we should tell these young boys the truth about how remarkably effective condoms are as a form of contraception. By the time you've fumbled about trying to get the damn thing on, you've lost your erection. Straddling your girlfriend with what looks like a poorly inflated balloon swinging from your todger soon quenches her sexual desire. Job done!

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    1. Oh my god. Just choked laughing at.this comment! I have heard it referred to as many different things but todger is hilarious!

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  18. I'm 26 and I still CRINGE everytime one of these commercials, or radio plugs come on when I'm with my parents. It gets awkwardly quiet wherever we are, until one of us changes the channel/station and acts like it never happened.

    AWKWARDDDDDD!

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  19. I can't imagine there was very many small children there, at least. Also I doubt there were a ton of swinging singles.

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  20. Ha! I'm so guilty of indiscriminate orgasms. Wait. That sounded bad. I meant used as an adjective, while describing chocolate, TV shows about Robin Hood-style serial killers, etc.

    I enjoy a good condom commercial as much as anyone else, but that one was pretty bad. Also, am I the only one who thinks the in-theatre entertainment for a PG-13 movie isn't the best time for a condom commercial? What's next, lube commercials before they air Shrek the 10th?

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  21. I just noticed your comment intro, which struck me as hilarious in the context of this post. Well played.

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  22. What about if someone actually achieved (love how it is referred to as an achievement!) a real orgasm at the very moment they bit into a piece of chocolate cake? What say you then Youngman?

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