Snooki Is Pregnant (A "Poem")

Somewhere in the Bible,
It surely must say:
The coming of the Antichrist
Shall be revealed on Leap Day.

-Youngman Brown

God help us all.

Buried Pennies on Leap Day

Do Something Insane or Insanely Awesome

Let's be honest.  The 29th of February doesn't exist.

I realize that February got the shaft when they handed out days to all of the months.  But honestly, Calendar, do you think that February feels any better about itself when it gets a bonus day once every four years?  That’s like Archie Manning giving Cooper a pat on the back once every four years and expecting him to believe that he loves him as much as Peyton and Eli.

Did you even know there was a third Manning?

Again, I say – the 29^th of February doesn’t exist.

And we should treat it as such.

I will explain what I mean in the form of a challenge:

A Fourth Happy Thing

Boom.

I got another award.

Thanks to Crack You Whip for giving me this.

Like my last award, I don't know exactly what the award means or the origin of it.  But I am honored by the kind words spoken of my blog more than anything.

So apparently this award comes with some rules.  And they are as follows:


1) Link back to the person who gave you the award.  I've already done it twice, but three times is a charm.  Crack You Whip is hilarious.  What's more is that she incorporates (hilarious) illustrations... something you will probably never see me attempt.

Oh.

And she also updates way more often than me.  Sorry, guys.  I understand if you jump ship and join up with the S.S. Artistic Talent.

2) Pick 5 deserving people and notify them on their blogs.

Putting a Label on the Apocalypse (Part II)

You kinda have to read Part I first, if you haven't already.

Zak Bagans and the boys, ready to beat the SHIT outta Casper.

If you have ever seen ghost hunting shows such as “Ghost Adventures” (or “Ghost Douchebags” as my brother-in-law likes to call it), the chiseled toolbags occasionally capture an EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) in which, seemingly out of nowhere, a choppy mess of static is picked up on a voice recorder.

Being masters of spirit-world linguistics, they then translate the static into very convenient words of ghosts.

*Note: If you are viewing the above video on a mobile device, it might play the entire episode.  It is supposed to start about 3 minutes from the end of the episode.

The EVPs are pretty cool, but are they really the voices of ghosts?

At first, it really does just sound like a jumble of static.

But then the D-bags put some words on the screen.  They play the recording again.  And again.  And again.  With the words in quotations.

After the third or fourth time, it truly does sound like a ghost is saying something intelligent.

And without fail, immediately afterward Zak asks the viewer something like “Is this the voice of a lost spirit searching for her murdered children?”  This question is always posed in a tone that answers the question itself: “Hell yes it is.”

Putting a Label on the Apocalypse (Part I)

Today’s post is very video-centric, but bear with me and try to watch them all.

That being said, watch these videos first.  There are a plethora of similar ones floating around online, and they are very crazy.  They all pretty much document the same phenomenon, so at the very least watch the first one to get an idea of what I am talking about:

Now, before you continue, I want you to take a moment to analyze your thoughts.  Just briefly go back and recount what you were thinking while you watched it.

3 Happy Things

1) I won something.

While it might be true that I was slightly bitter for being single on Valentine's Day, being single actually worked to my advantage.

My current favorite blogger, The Simple Dude offered a contest where he randomly gave out a $50 Amazon gift card to someone who was single on V-Day.  And wouldn't you know, I was that guy.

So as it turned out, I actually did get lucky on Valentine's Day.  Thanks, SD!


2) I won something else.

İzdihër was kind enough to bestow my blog with The Enchanted Blog Award:

I thought that this was a very nice gesture.  It makes me feel good that my blog now has a stamp of approval that it is, indeed, enchanted.


And last but not least:


3) The Apocalypse is coming. 


Have a great weekend!

-Youngman Brown


P.S.  Be sure to check out The Simple Dude and İzdihër's blogs.

P.P.S.  The Apocalypse may or may not be coming, but a post about it certainly is coming next week.

The Lean Cuisine Lesson

Look closely.  You can see the sadness.

I can’t cook.

This is a fact that is true, not because I am unskilled in the kitchen, but mostly due to the fact that I am lazy and never really try to cook.

Here are the only things I have ever used the stove or oven for:

-Eggs (sunny-side up).
-Hard boiled eggs.
-Bacon (once).
-Cooking a pre-made pizza from the supermarket.
-I have also used a George Foreman Grill to make cheese sandwiches.

This is it.  And this is not an exaggeration.

So what, then, do I eat?

A Single Guy’s Cynical Valentine’s Day Poem

[I]

Among other things,

Condom sales reach their peak

Around Valentine’s Day.

…so have fun with that. :(

[II]

Have fun?  Great!  Because

March is the highest grossing month

For at-home pregnancy tests.

So have fun with that :)

[III]

Oh, and on Valentine’s Day, 1929,

Penicillin was introduced

To cure you of your syphilis.

Try to have fun with that! <3

-Youngman Brown

 

You Are What You Tweet

The Unwilling Pumper

The other night, I pulled up to a gas station, rolled down my window, turned off my car, and popped open my gas tank.

Nobody came to help me.

I leaned out the window and looked behind me to see a kid doing something on his cell phone with his back to me.  He was within the warm confines of that little booth where the gas-pumpers sit when there are no cars to be fueled.

Notice that I said, when there are NO cars.

I had driven directly by him, so he undoubtedly knew that I was there.

Owned by Cleverbot

First he was factual and sarcastic.

Then he was deep and meaningful.

Then he was clever... and sounded an awful lot like me.

-Youngman Brown

The Anti-Porn Perfect Storm

I am starting to get an increase in traffic to my blog, so I began using Google Analytics to figure out how the hell you all find my blog.

Where is all this traffic coming from?

The largest percentage of my traffic comes from subscribers and followers, or people who bookmark me or type youngmanbrown.com into their browsers.  Most other visitors find their way here by clicking the links to new posts that I shamelessly spam on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. 

Then there are the Googlers.  Typically, a random string of keywords will get a visitor to my site.  Quite the reverse, however, Googling the phrase “Youngman Brown” will display my blog as only the #3 result, while the more-specific phrase “Good Youngman Brown” will downgrade me to a # 7 ranking*.

*This is mostly my fault.  I chose to base my alias off of Nathanial Hawthorne’s “Young Goodman Brown,” one of my favorite short stories.  It was not a Google-friendly choice, as it contains all of the same keywords which are undoubtedly Googled on a daily basis by lazy students who don’t feel like reading the (very short) story (Not that I was completely innocent of such treason in my days as a scholar).

Besides my three main sources of blog traffic, there is a miscellaneous category.

The Puppy Bowl

After this season of football, I am sad.

Here’s why:

1. The Eagles did not have the best season (which is the nicest way I could possibly put their season into words).
2. I got to the Championship in my Fantasy Football league, but then lost by three points to my brother-in-law.
3. Every team I have rooted for in the playoffs has lost.

As a result, I am not really looking forward to the Super Bowl.

I took off of work on Super Bowl Sunday, of course.  I am going to eat glorious amounts of terrible food, of course.  And I bought a bunch of beer to drink.  Of course.