Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Where We Are Heading

I was very excited to see that I was nominated for one of The Indie Chicks Badass Blogger Awards.  But I must admit that I was somewhat surprised to see the category for which I was nominated: "Most Feel Good Blog."

Naturally, this was the first image that appeared
when I Googled "happy feel good shit"
When I started this blog, one of my main goals was to be as cynical as humanly possible in order to
effectively express my disdain for my environment and surroundings.

Things change, I guess.

I went back and looked at posts like "How I Saved Dopey the Dog," "Attn: Soon-to-be Uncles," and "My Best Friend, The Terrorist," and realized that there was, in fact, a growing warmth in my heart that came out in my writing, whether I liked it or not.

Anyway, in an effort to get back to my cynical roots, I decided that I should write something incredibly depressing.  My life is pretty incredible at the moment, however, so in order to really depress you all, I had to go with some fiction.

So here you go.  Here's a little piece about how school shootings are becoming an increasingly normal occurrence.

It's called, "Where We Are Heading."

*  *  *

[4:32:02 PM -- 04/08/19]

“911, what is your emergency?”

“Hi, yes.  I’m about to kill myself.  And I was hoping that you could send someone over to take my body away so that my mom isn’t the one to find me.”

“Okay, sure we can do that for you.  I’ll just need to get some info from you.  What is going to be your method of suicide?”

“My dad has a gun.”

“I am obligated to inform you that there is an extra three hundred dollar fee for the cleanup of blood.”

“That’s fine.  I put cash in an envelope.  It will be right next to my body.”

“Okay great.  Haha, I guess that answers my next question about method of payment.  And may I ask what is your reason for suicide?  Keep in mind that your answers are confidential and used solely for demographic purposes.”

“Nobody likes me.  I don’t fit in at school and I guess I’m weird.  I dunno.  People beat me up and call me names and I guess I just can’t take it anymore.  I hate myself.  The only person I love is my mom, which is why I’m calling.”

“Well that was very thoughtful of you.  Okay, we will be sending someone over in ten minutes.  Is that enough time?”

“Yes, I’m going to do it right when I hang up.”

“Okay.  And just to let you know that if you don’t actually build up the courage to do it, there is a fifty dollar fee for sending someone to your house.”

“Okay, thanks.  I’m definitely going to do it.”

“Okay, sir.  You sound certain.  Good for you, keeping your angst to yourself and not shooting up your school.  Lord knows we have seen enough of that."

"No problem."

"Alright well then is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Just make sure my mom gets the note.  It is with the money.”

“Will do, sir.  Good luck.”

“Bye.”

[END TRANSMISSION ::: 4:32:57 PM -- 04/08/19]

[PERTINENCE: MINOR] 


- Youngman Brown


9 comments:

  1. Well, that was an incredible short short. Unfortunately, I completely agree that that's where we're heading.

    My friend who was in the military told me of a time he almost committed suicide. He called the suicide hotline and the women on the line said, "We're busy right now, and there's no one available to help you." He was so infuriated that he completely forgot about committing suicide. So I guess it kind of worked?

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  2. wow that was so depressing, i hoped he would change his mind and then he did not! No, I need to look at that unicorn picture for a while.

    Congratulations on that award!

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  3. Black humor has always appealed to me, so keep on writing your depressing and cynical stories.

    And congratulations on your nomination.

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  4. Yeahhh, I'm glad I was getting lots of kitty love while I read that. You hit it right on. Congrats on the award. Thanks for the unicorn. I've always enjoyed your blog, I don't even remember how I stumbled on to it but you deserve all the awards you're nominated for. Whether you feel like they're right for you or not. :P

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  5. That cracks me up that you don't see your blog as a feel good blog. That is one of the things that I've always loved about your blog, whether it was because you made me feel good from laughter, or because you wrote something sweet, or because your writing was completely amazing.

    Loved that short story...but sorry, it wasn't depressing :)

    So since you are gonna be feel good no matter what, how about some happy feel good shit in the form of a Sadie post???

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  6. This sounds like the start of a highly lucrative enterprise...not a suicide hotline but a suicide clean-up and removal service - ever since I found out that everyone shits themselves after expiring, I know that would be my number one (two?) concern.

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  7. I don't know if I'd call it feel-good. I would just say that what you write has heart. And honestly, to me, that appeals more than feel-good.

    This story reminds me of when my brother-in-law almost OD'd on pills. I was with my father-in-law at the hospital when he called a help center for drug addiction and asked what he could do to help his son. The guy's response: "Oh, uh, since it's your son, we can't really do anything. He has to call us himself." You know, because a guy with an addiction he can't admit is going to do that.

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  8. Now I feel incredibly depressed. I guess I'd better stare at that nice little unicorn for a while. ;)

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  9. I've been a shitty reader lately but your blog definitely has heart and humor and those 2 things combined can go anywhere. Congrats on the nomination!

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